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SOCIAL ETIQUETTE 



OF 



NEW YORK. 



41 Custom forms us all : 
Our thoughts, our morals, our most fixed beliefs, 
Are consequences of our place of birth." 

Aaron Hill. 

** Man yields to custom, as he bows to fate ; 
In all things ruled — mind, body, and estate." 

George Crabbe. 

14 There are not unfrequently substantial reasons underneath for 
customs that appear to be absurd." 

Charlotte 







NEW YORK: 
D. APPLETON & COMPANY, 

549 & 551 BROADWAY. 
' 1879. 






COPYRIGHT BY 

D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, 

1878. 



OOITEITS. 



PAGE 

CHAPTER I. 
The Value of Etiquette . .... 7 



CHAPTER II. 
Introductions 15 

CHAPTER III. 
Salutations 21 

CHATTER IV. 
Strangers in Town . . . . . 31 

CHAPTER V. 
Debuts in Society ....... 37 

CHAPTER VI. 
Visiting, and Visiting Cards for Ladies . 47 

CHAPTER VII. 
Card and Visiting Customs for Gentlemen . 59 

CHAPTER VIII. 
Morning Receptions and Kettle-Drums . . 69 



4 CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

CHAPTER IX. 

Giving and attending Parties, Balls, and Ger- 
mans 80 

CHAPTER X. 
Dinner Giving and Dining out .... 92 

CHAPTER XI. 

Breakfasts, Luncheons, and Suppers . . no 

CHAPTER XII. . 
Opera and Theatre Parties, Private Theatri- 
cals, AND MUSICALES. . . . IIQ 

CHAPTER XIII. 
Etiquette of Weddings . . . . .126 

CHAPTER XIV. 
Christenings and Birthdays .... 149 

CHAPTER XV. 
Marriage Anniversaries 159 

CHAPTER XVI. 

New-Year's-Day in New York ... 167 

CHAPTER XVII. 
Funeral Customs and Seasons of Mourning . 177 



SOCIAL ETIQUETTE IN NEW YORK. 



INTRODUCTION. 

In response to numerous and constant ap- 
plications from all parts of the country for 
information regarding social forms and usages 
in New York, the author has prepared a series 
of articles, in which special pains have been 
taken to make them represent faithfully and 
accurately existing customs in New York so- 
ciety, in distinction from the many manuals on 
the subject that have simply reproduced the 
codes of Paris and London. These foreign 
exemplars may have sufficed for all practi- 
cal . purposes years ago, when both town and 
country were in a more rudimental stage of 
development ; but they are now clearly useless, 
when society has acquired a certain definite 
character, and New York is a law unto itself in 



6 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

the same way, if not in the same degree, as. the 
great capitals of Europe. There is still a con- 
siderable variation of usage in circles ranking 
themselves as "our best society," and no per- 
son not thoroughly conversant with the grada- 
tions could draw the line between the living 
law, which is to remain and grow with the 
city's growth, and the obsolete traditions, which 
only linger through their own inertia and the in- 
capacity of their devotees to adapt themselves to 
the larger present conditions of social develop- 
ment. The author of this manual has not at- 
tempted to modify or to improve upon existing 
forms, or to question either the taste or the 
propriety of our fixed usages, but to furnish a 
report or a description of our customs as taught 
and practised by the superior families of New 
York city. 



I. 

THE VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. 

To enter a social circle without being famil- 
iar with its customs and its best usages is like 
attempting to dance a quadrille without know- 
ing its forms. It is claimed that kindliness of 
heart and gentleness of manners will make rude- 
ness impossible. This is very true, but the finest 
and the sweetest of impulses, combined, fail to 
produce graceful habits or prevent painful awk- 
wardness. An intimate acquaintance with the 
refined customs and highest tones of society- 
insures harmony in its conduct, while igno- 
rance of them inevitably produces discords 
and confusion. Fortunate are those who were 
born in an atmosphere of intelligent refine- 
ment, because mistakes to them are almost 
impossible. They know no other way than the 
right one in the management of their social 
affairs. 



8 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

As to the unfortunates who have, been reared 
at remote distances from the centres of civiliza- 
tion, there is nothing left for them to do but to 
make a careful study of unquestionable authority 
in those matters of etiquette which prevail among 
the most refined people. High breeding may be 
imitated, and a gentle courtesy of manner may be 
acquired through the same processes by which 
other accomplishment is perfected. Even a dis- 
agreeable duty may be so beautified by gracious- 
ness that it will appear almost as if it were a 
compliment. Elegant manners should not be 
considered beneath the attention of any man or 
any woman. They will carry a stranger farther 
up the heights of social ambition than money, 
mental culture, or personal beauty. Combine 
elegance of manner with thoughtfulness and any 
other of the three powers, and the world is van- 
quished. 

Etiquette is the machinery of society. It 
polishes and protects even while conducting its 
charge. It prevents the agony of uncertainty, 
and soothes even when it cannot cure the pains 
of blushing bashfulness. If one is certain of 



THE VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. 9 

being correct, there is little to be anxious about. 
Etiquette may be despotic, but its cruelty is in- 
spired by intelligent kindliness. It is like a wall 
built up around us to protect us from disagree- 
able, underbred people, who refuse to take the 
trouble to be civil. Those who defy the rules 
of the best society, and claim to be superior to 
them, are always coarse in their moral fibre, 
however strong they may be intellectually. 

Different civilized nations have provided for 
themselves sets of rules which have been estab- 
lished slowly, carefully, and firmly, to suit their 
peculiar sentiments and requirements. These 
codes serve as a music that is felt, when not 
heard, and communities walk by it in beautiful 
harmony and ease. Etiquette once having be- 
come a fixed habit, ceases to be that dreadful 
thing which the too free American abhors. It 
is a steadfast friend, a sure guide, and an armor 
against which malicious arrows may fly without 
leaving a mark. There is no greater mistake 
than to suppose that etiquette must of necessity 
be a cold formality. The warmth or chill of 
one's conduct is regulated by private sentiment, 



10 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

and a kindliness is always all the more beautiful 
if it is gracefully and appropriately extended. 

Possibly those vagrants who scorn etiquette, 
and refuse to take the white high-road of a re- 
fined civilization, do not possess those necessary 
aptitudes for imitation which are requisite for 
the easy acquirement of customs and formalities 
which by birth are alien to them. Sneering is 
not infrequently a thin and foolish veil by which 
they endeavor to hide their lack of birth and 
breeding. If such undisciplined persons would 
only submit to custom, and use their best powers 
of adaptation, they would soon discover that 
formality is as easy as a tune that sings itself in 
one's thought without a sound being heard. 

The slight and agreeable variations which are 
often made in the forms and usages of well-bred 
people in their intercourse with the world may 
be compared to the different parts of that same 
melody. Courtesy is inherited only by Nature's 
favorites, and brusquerie } through the " irony of 
fate," is often the unfortunate natural expression 
of tender est souls; but inheritances may be es- 
caped by the will, just as a club-foot may be 






THE VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. \\ 

made straight if taken in season and persistently 
righted. A courteous person, with a natural 
misfortune of form or features, may become the 
most delightful of society's favorites, if winning 
charms of manner are acquired and practiced. 
Etiquette can no more justly be called coldness, 
than vulgar, loud and gushing warmth can be 
considered attractive or elegant. 

Individual tendencies guide us in the con- 
duct of our lives, but they are not trustworthy 
instructors in the prevailing and most acceptable 
etiquette for arranging our relations with our 
friends and acquaintances, or of entertaining our 
guests. 

From the unsettled state of sentiment and 
opinion which prevailed among us a few years 
ago, fortunately we are mostly emancipated. 
We may, and doubtless did, appear " grotesquely 
raw," as our English critic declared, and tres 
drdle, according to the better-bred Parisian visit- 
or, and very likely neither of these sharers of our 
too abundant hospitalities will approve of our 
present style of conducting our social affairs 
whenever and wherever these points shall differ 



12 . SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

from their own established formalities; but that 
matters nothing to us. We possess an undeni- 
able right to ordain a social code of our own, 
and we confess frankly and thankfully that we 
have imitated whatever we have considered 
wisest and pleasantest in the habits of French, 
English, and other nations. As the formality of 
social matters in France is less heavy and more 
graceful than it is in England, New York, which 
is admitted to be the metropolitan city of Amer- 
ica, has discreetly chosen its customs largely 
from the former, modifying and adapting them 
to accord with our national conditions. 

Everything which refines the habits of a 
people ennobles it, and hence the importance of 
furnishing to the public all possible aids to supe- 
rior manners. 

Even frugality itself has its beautiful methods 
of being elegant and hospitable, and no one 
need be less attractive in his courtesies because 
he happens not to be rich. Delicate attentions 
and the charms of a superior manner will compel 
a simple entertainment to seem like a royal ban- 
quet, and lend to a modest house a smile of fas- 



THE VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. 13 

cinating beauty. The charm of this achieve- 
ment lies in the art of receiving and entertain- 
ing ; and a cordial courtesy which is not oppres- 
sive, but which sits lightly upon both giver and 
receiver, is the perfection of hospitality. The 
costliest banquetings are unacceptable to the 
highly-bred gentleman or lady if their appoint- 
ments be wanting in good taste, and their con- 
duct be awkward. 

Awkwardness is the twin-brother of embar- 
rassment, and they are never separated. 

A delicate, prompt, and appropriate courtesy 
is superior to an untimely honor. None but the 
thoughtless or the vulgar (and to be thoughtless 
is to be vulgar, some wise man insists,) indulge in 
excesses of any kind. The numbers of the in- 
vited guests, and the quantity and quality of 
their feastings, are subjects for nice considera- 
tion, and the condition of the public mind and 
also the public purse will go far toward measur- 
ing out the grade of a banquet, and controlling 
the quality of an entertainment. Courteous hosts 
will never violate a public sentiment in their 
pleasures. It is quite enough of moral combat 



14 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

to trample down prejudice and wrong. If the 
community be sorrowful or depressed, no well- 
bred individual will make a parade of rejoicing. 
If financial anxieties weary and worry the mass- 
es, fortunate individuals, with delicate sentiments 
or refined feelings, express no social rejoicings. 
No feasts and no festivities will be given in the 
presence of neighboring poverty or distress. 

This influencing sentiment of common sym- 
pathy was born and nourished by republicanism. 
Free as we are in all our opinions, and also in 
the expression of them, a common brotherhood 
clasps our hearts closely, and a common formula 
of courtesies, which is known as our own social 
etiquette, should be the thoroughly understood 
method of communicating our regard for each 
other. While this etiquette becomes gentle 
speech for kindly people, it also serves as a 
guard and preserver of our household sanctities. 



II. 



INTRODUCTIONS. 



Ladies of social equality are introduced to 
each other, and so also are gentlemen. The 
latter, however, are always presented to ladies. 
The distinction in the form is an agreeable and 
proper homage to womankind, which a true 
gentleman is glad to pay to her. 

The forms of introductions and presentations 
must necessarily differ in a country where an 
equality of citizenship is established by constitu- 
tional law. The endeavor to fix social formali- 
ties by a judicial power becomes a comical ab- 
surdity when attempted in New York ; therefore 
intellectual development, refined culture, and 
gentleness of breeding, combine to arrange our 
forms of presentation and introduction in such 
flexible ways as shall satisfy all grades of society. 

It is probable that from the foreign custom of 
announcing guests from the thresholds of salons 



16 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

by a loud-voiced servant is acquired our habit 
of mentioning the name of the less important or 
the younger person first. To make this distinc- 
tion appear less emphatic, when the difference 
between the parties introduced is a debatable 
one, it has become the formal custom among 
many to say, " Mrs. A., this is Mrs. H. ; Mrs. H., 
Mrs. A.'' A balance of respect is thus struck, or 
very nearly so, by this arrangement. 

If a gentleman is presented to a lady by a 
gentleman, of course permission is first secured 
from the lady, and afterward the presentation is 
made complimentary by its formula : " Mr. Mor- 
timer desires to be presented to Mrs. or Miss 
Fairfax." 

Or if the lady or gentleman making the pres- 
entation desires the unknown parties to become 
acquainted for his or her own personal reasons, 
he or she says : " This is Mr. Mortimer, Mrs. 
Fairfax. It gives me pleasure to present him to 
you." The married lady replies according to 
her inclination, of course regulating the expres- 
sion of her sentiments by courtesy and good- 
breeding. If she be glad to know Mr. Morti- 



INTRODUCTIONS. 17 

mer, she says so with frankness and cordiality ; 
and she briefly thanks the presenting party as 
soon as she has accepted the new acquaintance, 
and then the presenter retires. The young lady 
can only express a polite recognition of the 
gentleman presented, by bowing, smiling, and 
mentioning the name of the new acquaintance as 
a response. The expressed gratification is all 
made by the gentleman, and he will never fail to 
say some complimentary thing to her in regard 
to the ceremony. Two ladies may extend hands 
to each other, and so also may two gentlemen, 
although hand-shakingjs not so common as for- 
merly. The introduced parties may be as friend- 
ly as they please to each other, although exces- 
sive cordiality is not considered a part of high- 
breeding at the first meeting of people in gen- 
eral society, because the estimate in which stran- 
gers hold each other usually rests upon a flimsy 
or a fictitious basis. Hearty good-fellowship de- 
mands something more than an inventory of the 
features of those whom we meet. 

If the difference in age between two ladies 
or two gentlemen be unmistakably perceptible* 



18 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

the younger is introduced to the elder. If a 
publicly-admitted superiority exists, age, unless 
very advanced, is unconsidered in this formality. 
The unknown to fame is presented to the fa- 
mous. 

The single lady is introduced to the married 
lady, and the single gentleman to the married; 
other things being equal. 

Those persons who have been born and 
reared in the best society never make a hasty 
presentation or introduction. An habitual 
though momentary reflection adjusts in their 
own minds the proper relation of the two who 
are about to be made known to each other, and 
unpleasant mistakes thus become almost impos- 
sible. 

In another chapter sufficient is written in 
regard to that easy elegance of manner which 
every person should acquire and maintain at 
'a private party, or in the reception-room of 
one who has been a hostess. Introductions 
should be considered wholly unnecessary to a 
pleasant conversation. Every person should 
feel that he is, at least for the time being, upon 






INTRODUCTIONS. 19 

a social equality with every guest who is present. 
That a person was bidden to the entertainment 
proves that the host so considers him, and the 
acceptance of the invitation levels him, for the 
time being, either up or down to the social grade 
of all whom he may meet, no matter at what esti- 
mate he may hold himself when elsewhere. A 
lady or gentleman must conduct himself or her- 
self, while remaining in the house, as if there were 
no more exalted society than that which is pres- 
ent. To converse above the comprehension of 
a temporary companion is an unpardonable ego- 
tism, and to convey to a fellow-guest the impres- 
sion that surroundings superior to the present 
are the only ones with which the speaker is fa- 
miliar is incontrovertible testimony to the con- 
trary. If polished people were his only custom- 
ary society, unpleasant comparisons would be 
impossible to his tongue. Genuine excellence is 
never compelled to assert or explain itself, if it 
happens to be thrown among a people with less 
polished formalities of manner, or a less elegant 
conduct of social matters. A nobility of senti- 
ment compels its possessors to be agreeable to 



20 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

simpler folk whom they meet, and an introduc- 
tion to an inferior in breeding and position will 
never be met with other than a kindly acknowl- 
edgment. It is for the gently bred to show by 
example the attractions of a higher standard of 
conduct. Superiority of character is never out- 
wardly disturbed by contact with lesser excel- 
lence. It is self-centred, and holds itself in readi- 
ness to compel others to be content with its 
presence. There will be no wounded vanity 
stirring in the heart of the one who is presented, 
nor an inflated pride in the mind of the person 
who receives a new acquaintance, if the customs 
of our most refined society become familiar to 
all who enter its charmed circle. 



III. 



SALUTATIONS. 



If bowing to a lady expressed deference, 
then might any gentleman incline his head to 
every woman he met ; but it does not. It means 
recognition and nothing else, and it is her pre- 
rogative to offer this, and the gentleman's to ac- 
cept it. Under no circumstances have merely 
formal acquaintances, who are equals in age and 
position, a right to change this formality. Be- 
tween intimate friends, it is immaterial which 
bows first, the gentleman or lady. The lady 
may be distant or cordial in her salutation, and 
the gentleman must be respectfully responsive to 
her manner, and claim no more attention than 
she offers to him. A carefully-bred lady will 
never be capricious in her public recognitions of 
gentlemen, nor will she be demonstrative. Self- 
respect withholds her from expressing any pri- 
vate sentiments of dislike in her public greet- 



22 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

ings, although she may refuse to recognize an 
acquaintance for good and sufficient reasons. 
Her greetings will be fully polite, or they will 
not be given at all. She will not insult an ac- 
quaintance by a frigid salutation, which may be 
observed by strangers. Under all circumstances, 
upon the promenade, the street, or in other pub- 
lic places, her smiles are faint and her bows are 
reserved, but they are not discourteous, and no 
gentleman possesses the right to criticise this 
dignified demeanor, no matter how cordially she 
may have received him at a recent ball, or when 
he last paid his respects to her at her home. 

A faint smile and a formal bow are all that 
the most refined lady accords to the visitor of 
her family when she passes him in her walks or 
drives. If a gentleman lifts his hat and stops 
after she has recognized him, he may ask her 
permission to turn and accompany her for a 
little, or even a long distance. Under no cir- 
cumstances will he stand still in the street to 
converse with her, or be offended if she excuse 
herself and pass on. She may be in haste, or 
otherwise absorbed, and his conversation may be 



SALUTATIONS. 23 

an interruption to her thought, even though she 
be at other times graciously pleased to entertain 
him with her social accomplishments. Neither 
may he ask this favor of her unless he be an ad- 
mitted friend and visitor of her family. 

A lady may remember and recognize a gen- 
tleman who has been formally presented to her, 
even when he canaot recall her face, so much 
change does evening toilet and gaslight often 
create in a lady's appearance. His acknowledg- 
ment of her recognition must be as respectfully 
courteous to an apparent stranger as it would be 
to a valued, friend. The passers in the street 
know no difference in individuals. A gentleman 
is compelled to suppose that an apparent lady is 
a lady, but a lady may use her own knowledge 
in public places, and, for excellent reasons, be- 
come oblivious of those whom she does not in- 
clude within her circle of friends. 

The same formalities must be observed at 
entertainments. The gentleman who is a formal 
acquaintance waits patiently for the lady-guest 
to recognize his presence. Of course at a pri- 
vate party no lady will be purposely uncivil to 



24 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

any fellow-guest. It would be a discourtesy to 
an entertainer. Neither will she show sufficient 
gratification at meeting a gentleman, that the 
most self-admiring of that sex, to whom vanity 
is not traditionally imputed, shall be enabled to 
imagine that she craves his attention. 

When entering a parlor to pay a brief visit, 
a gentleman should always carry his hat, leav- 
ing his overshoes, overcoat, and umbrella in the 
hall if it be winter time. The lady rises to re- 
ceive him, unless she is an invalid, or advanced 
in years, in which case she receives him seat- 
ed, and excuses herself from rising. If she ex- 
tends her hand to him, he takes it respectfully; 
but he does not remove his glove, as was the old 
style. He never offers his hand first. He can- 
not do this any more than the mere acquaint- 
ance can bow first. If it be a hasty call, and 
others are present, he seldom seats, himself, and 
takes leave very soon after another gentleman 
enters, even though his stay has been very brief. 
The lady still retains her seat and bows her adieux, 
without extending her hand a second time, even if 
she offered it upon his entrance. Hand-shaking 



SALUTATIONS. 25 

is very properly falling into disuse in ordinary 
visits. 

A lady never accompanies a gentleman to the 
door of the drawing-room, much less to the 
vestibule, unless she desires him to understand 
that she entertains a profoundly respectful re- 
gard for him. She introduces him to no one, 
unless there be some especial reason why this 
formality should take place; but he converses 
with her other guests just as if he had met them 
before. No after recognition is warranted be- 
tween gentlemen, or between ladies, and cer- 
tainly not between a lady and gentleman, until 
they shall meet again in the drawing-room, when 
the gift of mutual speech is resumed. This cus- 
tom may have its unpleasant aspects, but it is 
one of the safeguards of society. If the parties 
desire to be presented to each other, the oppor- 
tunity is afforded them at these casual meetings. 
The hostess cannot easily refuse this formality if 
she be asked to perform it ; and, if the acquaint- 
ance be mutually agreeable, it is well ; but, if 
not, the lady can terminate it speedily between 
herself and a gentleman. It may not end thus 



26 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

abruptly between ladies, or between gentlemen, 
and an easy after-nod of recognition costs noth- 
ing, and it may afford pleasure to another. Cer- 
tainly there must be some positive cause for 
dislike that can prevent a well-bred person from 
bowing to one who has been admitted to the 
house of a mutual acquaintance, and properly 
introduced. Kindliness, considerateness, and 
all gracious courtesies belong together, and the 
gently bred are not likely to forget to express 
these charming virtues. 

There may be circumstances when a gentle- 
man may lift his hat to a passing lady, even 
though he cannot bow to her. She may be of- 
fended with him, and yet he may respect and 
feel kindly toward her. He may deserve her 
disregard, and it is permitted him to express 
his continued reverence by uncovering his head, 
in her presence; but he has no right to look 
at her as she passes him. He must drop his 
eyes. 

He lifts his hat to a lady whom he passes in a 
hall or corridor, unless the place be a thorough- 
fare, but he does not rest his glance upon her. 



SAL UTA TIONS. 27 

This is an expression of respect and courtesy to 
the sex. 

It not infrequently happens when gentlemen 
are driving, that they cannot touch their hats 
because too closely occupied ; but a cordial bow 
satisfies the most exacting of ladies under such 
circumstances. When riding in the saddle he 
may lift his hat, or touch its rim with his whip, 
according to convenience. Etiquette permits 
both styles of greeting. 

In passing a group of mourners at a door- 
way, where their dead is being carried forth, or 
a funeral cortege in a quiet street, a gentleman 
will uncover his head. This is a beautiful 
French custom, and it is now so fully incorpo- 
rated with our own habits that it may well be 
styled a part of our street etiquette. It is cer- 
tainly an appropriate recognition of a sorrow 
that some time or other falls to the lot of all 
of us. 

A gentleman always lifts his hat when offering 
a service to a strange lady. It may be the res- 
toration of her kerchief or fan, the receiving of 
her change to pass it to the cash-box of a stage, 



28 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

the opening of her umbrella as she descends 
from a carriage — all the same ; he lifts it before 
he offers his service, or during the courtesy, if 
possible. She bows, and, if she choose, she also 
smiles her acknowledgment; but she does the 
latter faintly, and she does not speak. To say 
"Thank you !" is not an excess of acknowledg- 
ment, but it has ceased to be etiquette. A bow 
may convey more gratitude than speech. 

This last information is more especially fur- 
nished to foreigners, who consider our ladies 
ungracious in some of their customs, and in- 
delicately forward in others. In the matter of 
thanks to strangers for any little attentions they 
bestow upon ladies, we beg leave to establish our 
own methods, and no one finds it necessary to 
imitate the German, the French, the English, or 
the Spanish, in these delicate matters. 

A gentleman opens a door for a strange lady, 
holds it open with one hand and lifts his hat 
with tne other, while she passes through in ad- 
vance of him. He always offers her the pre- 
cedence; but he does it silently, and without 
resting his gaze upon her, as if he would say, 



SALUTATIONS. 29 

"You are a lady and I am a gentleman. I am 
polite for both our sakes. You may be young 
and charming, or you may be old and ugly ; it is 
all the same to me. I have not looked at you to 
discern, but I am certain that you are a lady." 

A gentleman who is walking in the street 
with a lady, touches his hat, and bows to whom- 
ever she salutes in passing. This is done in 
compliment to her acquaintance, who is most 
likely a stranger to him. If accompanying her 
across a drawing-room, and she bows to a 
friend, he inclines his head also ; but he does 
not speak. 

He always raises his hat when he begs a 
lady's pardon for an inadvertence, whether he is 
known to her or not. 

Ladies who entertain hospitably, and possess 
hosts of acquaintances, are likely to invite many 
young gentlemen with whose families they are 
familiar, but who seldom have an opportunity of 
seeing their young friends except for a moment 
or two during an evening party. It would be 
strange if, sometimes, these ladies should not 
fail to recognize a late guest when they meet on 



30 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

the promenade. Young gentlemen are over- 
sensitive about these matters, and imagine that 
there must be a reason for this apparent indiffer- 
ence. If young gentlemen were not compelled, 
or did not choose to make their party calls by 
card, they would less often suffer through these 
omissions of courtesy. That a lady invites him 
to her house is an evidence of her respect ; but 
she cannot charge her memory with the features 
of her multitude of young acquaintances, much 
as she would like to show this courtesy to them 
all. She is very likely a matron with many social 
cares, and this is one of those exceptional cases 
when a gentleman should be permitted to lift his 
hat, and spare the lady from an after-conscious- 
ness of having wounded his feelings. They are 
neither equals in age nor position, consequent- 
ly he may use his own refined discretion as to 
whether he will express recognition or not. It 
would not be improper, because she is his supe- 
rior. She desired him to be her guest, which 
signified her acceptance of his acquaintance, and 
this acquaintance has thus become something 
more than formal. 



IV. 



STRANGERS IN TOWN. 



It is the rule among our best people to call 
upon the stranger who is in town. It is contrary 
to the usages of most polite nations, but we long 
ago adopted it, and present society approves of 
it. It has its pleasant and its unpleasant aspects, 
but the more satisfactory ones predominate. 
When a circle is large enough, and agreeable 
enough, combining such varieties of people as 
make it entertaining, a stranger, who is sensitive 
and considerate, feels unwilling to intrude upon 
it without an invitation. To thrust one's self 
among those who feel no social needs, requires 
an. amount of self-approbation that is not pos- 
sessed by the really admirable character. On 
the other hand, it is exceedingly unfortunate for 
the stranger who must wait outside the gates of 
society until some one shall think of him, and 
find time and inclination to go out of a pleasant 



32 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

circle and invite the lonely individual into its 
charmed precincts. 

But, then, who of us is there who would not 
rather wait and be sought, than to be considered 
an eager intruder? Time may seem to move 
too slowly to the impatient lover of society, but 
still it does not stand still, and recognition comes 
eventually if the stranger possesses attractive 
.qualities of mind, manner, and character. 

If the visitor brings letters of introduction, 
an entree to society is easy through the usually 
observed forms, which will be fully treated in 
another chapter. If strangers who have come to 
reside with us, or even to visit our locality, bear 
credentials of respectability, courteous and hos- 
pitable residents will call upon them, after suffi- 
cient time has elapsed for the recently-arrived to 
have adjusted themselves to their new positions. 

No introduction is necessary in such case. 
The resident ladies call between two and five 
o'clock, send in their own with their husbands' 
or their fathers' or brothers' cards, and, if they 
find the strangers disengaged, a brief and cordial 
interview ends the first visit. This must be re- 



STRAXGERS IX TOWN. 33 

turned within a week, or a note of apology and 
explanation for the omission is sent, and the re- 
turn-visit is then paid later on. If a card be 
sent in return for this visit, or is left in person 
without an effort to see the parties who have 
made the first visit, it is understood that the 
strangers prefer solitude, or that there are rea- 
sons why they cannot receive visitors. The one 
who has offered the welcoming hand of kindli- 
ness will have fulfilled a social duty, and there is 
no reason for regretting the attempt to entertain 
the stranger. It is more than possible that some 
unhappy circumstance compels this reserve. At 
any rate, it is far better to look for some sweet 
spring as the source of all incomprehensible con- 
duct than it is to imagine an unpleasant or bitter 
one. 

A gentleman should not make a first call upon 
the ladies of the family of a new-comer without an 
introduction or an invitation. His lady friend, 
or kinswoman, may leave his card, and he may 
receive an invitation, verbal or written, to make 
the new acquaintance. Under such circum- 
stances the usual formality of introduction may 



34 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

be made by his second visiting-card, which he 
will send in to announce himself at the time of 
his call, provided he pays his respects to the new 
household unaccompanied by a common friend. 
The sending of his card to the strangers was 
an unmistakable request to make their acquaint- 
ance. If his visits be undesirable, the way is 
opened for an easy method of declining them. 
His card need not be noticed. This refusal of 
friendliness is far less awkward and unpleasant 
for both parties than to ask permission verbally 
to become a visitor and be verbally rejected. 
Sometimes there are unfortunate family compli- 
cations or conditions which compel a refusal of 
gentlemen's society, but which are unexplainable. 
Painful necessities are oftenest the very ones 
least easy of explanation. No gentleman pos- 
sesses a reasonable ground for offense, or for 
feeling hurt, if he be not admitted as a visitor to 
a family whose circumstances and conditions are 
unfamiliar to him. It is not difficult to imagine 
that the stranger who refuses to make a new 
friend is likely to suffer more than the rejected 
person. 



STRANGERS IN TOWN. 35 

A stranger can make no overtures for ac- 
quaintance to older residents, but, as frequently 
happens in large towns, two people may have 
desired each other's society for a long time, 
but the formalities of an introduction have been 
beyond easy reach. Or their names even may 
have been unknown to each other. They meet 
at the house of a friend, and conversation, either 
with or without presentation, often leads to a 
wish for further intercourse. This desire is ex- 
pressed, and a mutual interchange of kindly 
interest and addresses takes place. The ques- 
tion then arises, "Who shall pay the first visit? " 
This is one of those matters which settle them- 
selves. Mutual liking and sincere expressions 
of regard prepare the way for either one to make 
the initiative call. If one lady be the younger 
by many years, she should call first. This eti- 
quette is based upon the supposition that the 
elder lady belongs to a larger circle of friends, 
and has more pressing social duties than the 
younger one. If the parties are equal in age 
and position, the one whose reception-day arrives 
earliest should receive the first call. 



36 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

If their " at-home " hours are at the same 
time, a mutual arrangement, or the urgency of 
their admiration for each other, will settle this 
easily enough without formality. 

Aged gentlemen or ladies, an eminent per- 
sonage or a clergyman, always receive the first 
call. It is proper to leave a card for them, 
even when they are known to be too much en- 
gaged either to receive in person or to return 
calls of ceremony. The card signifies respectful 
and appreciative remembrance. 

No custom is more significant of the highest 
and noblest breeding and the gentlest culture, 
than that of remembering the aged in all pleasant 
formalities. Our citizens are accused by other 
nations of indifference to those who are advanced 
in years. This may be true of selfish people and 
of plebeians, but it is not true of our refined and 
high-toned members of society. A thoughtful 
courtesy and a tender consideration make the 
late afternoon of life beautiful with respectful 
regard, even when a lack of familiar acquaint- 
ance has withheld affectionate devotion. 



V. 

DEBUTS IN SOCIETY. 

This expression really signifies less than it 
ought in America, and it applies, in its ordinary- 
sense, to ladies only. The gentleman of Europe, 
especially the first-born in England, is consid- 
ered worthy of especial notice on the day upon 
which he attains his majority. Oftener than 
otherwise, the honors thrust upon him at this 
time by those who are beyond the strict limits 
of kinship, are measured by his prospective im- 
portance. It is quite otherwise with the young 
lady, either in Europe or America. According 
to the combined convictions and desires of 
parent and child, the time fixed for the girl to 
become a young lady, in the estimation of soci- 
ety, is from seventeen to twenty. If there are 
older unwed sisters, her dttut is often postponed, 
for reasons which need no explanation. The 
mamma determines the time when, by a proper 



38 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

celebration, her daughter shall be accepted by 
the world as a fully matured woman, who may 
receive the homage of gentlemen if she desires 
their attention. She marks this transition from 
girl-life to young ladyhood by inviting only fit- 
ting friends to her house, where she may present 
this daughter to them as a member of their 
circle. This ceremony should convey the in- 
formation to the world that the young lady has 
been graduated in all the accomplishments and 
knowledge necessary for her uses as a woman of 
society. In fact, it should mean that she has 
been instructed in all that deft wisdom which 
will be required by a belle of her circle and a 
queen of a household, for which she is, as all 
women are, a candidate. Young lady readers 
will object to this assertion, but it is, neverthe- 
less, a fact. 

It is common for them to decline matrimony 
before they are invited to accept it, on principles 
of modesty, just as ambitious politicians refuse 
an office before nomination. It is natural for 
women to become wives, and all the proper aims 
of a girl's life tend toward this relation, the hero 



DEBUTS IN SOCIETY. 39 

of which surely lives somewhere in her hopes 
of the future, no matter how vague and shape- 
less that other perhaps unknown but essential 
party to the alliance may be, who is hidden 
away in her imagination. He is most certainly 
in existence, else ddbuts in society would never 
have been formulated as an essential etiquette. 

A dtbut is a barrier between an immaturity of 
character and culture, and an admission of the 
completion of both. Previous to this event a 
young girl is not supposed to be sufficiently in- 
telligent to be interesting to her elders among 
her own sex, and certainly not worldly-wise 
enough to associate with gentlemen. 

In New York's best society she is never seen 
at a party that is composed of mature people 
outside of her father's house, previous to the 
finishing of her education ; nor is she present at 
any formal entertainment given at her own resi- 
dence, except it be on birthday anniversaries, 
christenings, or marriages. 

Even admitting that the young girl be preco- 
cious enough to be interesting to her mother's 
guests, and that she possesses sufficient maturity 



40 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

of intellect, and is discreet in her conversation 
with her elders, and with gentlemen in particu- 
lar, a single taste of the fascinations of social 
life would interrupt the quiet and grave comple- 
tion of her education, which is supposed to be 
at its most important state of progression and 
advancement between the ages of fifteen and 
eighteen years. 

This explanation of our customs may be re- 
ceived partly as an expostulation intended for 
smaller towns, where young girls often enter 
society before leaving school. If this pernicious 
custom could only be made unfashionable in 
localities where it exists, the young girl would 
submit to remain a student much longer, and her 
expectant circle would receive a superior woman 
when she enlarges it with her matured presence. 

Just previous to her formal presentation or 
aYduf,her mother and her elder unmarried sis- 
ters — if she have them — pay visits, or at least 
leave their own with their father's and brothers' 
cards, upon all acquaintances whom they intend 
to invite to be present at the debut. Engraved 
invitations follow this formality, and they are 



DEBUTS IN SOCIETY. 41 

issued about ten days previous to the event. If 
they are sent by post, an extra outer envelope 
incloses all the invitations that are directed to 
one family. If they are delivered by messenger, 
the outer wrap is no longer in use. The post 
has become as suitable a method as any for 
conveying social messages. One envelope is 
directed to Mr. and Mrs. A. If there are more 
daughters than one, the address is, " Misses A.," 
or, if preferred, " The Misses A." Each son re- 
ceives a separate invitation. The question need 
not be asked why each young gentleman in the 
same household be individually bidden to be 
present when the daughters are not separately 
invited, because the answer would not be clear. 
It is the custom. Replies are sent in the names 
of the parties addressed on the envelopes. 

The invitation is engraved in script, or, if 
crest or cipher be used, it may be placed on the 
envelope, and is in form similar to that used for 
parties, which we shall give in a later chapter. 
Cards have been shown us on which the special 
purpose of the party is stated, with the name 
of the young lady who is to make her debut 



42 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

engraved upon it ; but this is rarely done, and 
has not the sanction of the more fastidious 
people. 

The following is the formula if such a card is 
used : 

MR. AND MRS. H. W. SAYCROFT 

request the pleasure of 

presenting their eldest [or second, etc.,] daughter, 

Miss Katherine Felicia, 

to 

on Monday evening. May gth, at half-past eight d clock. 
Dancing at eleven. No. 59 Great Hubert Street. 

A more acceptable method is simply to in- 
close the card of the young lady in the envelope 
containing the invitation. 

The reply is written and forwarded directly, 
and corresponds in style to the invitation, in the 
following manner : 

MR. AND MRS. A. V. JANSEN 

accept with pleasure 

Mr. and Mrs. H. W. Saycroft's 

kind invitation for Monday evening. May gth. 

No. 6 Tudor Place. April 30. 



DEBUTS IN SOCIETY, 43 

The young ladies use the same form, and 
commence their note with " The Misses Say- 
croft/' or in whatever style the invitation is sent 
to them. The young gentlemen follow the same 
custom. 

Intimate friends may send flowers on the 
day of the young girl's first appearance, if they 
please ; but it is not a rigid custom. It is only 
a pretty and pleasant welcome to her as she 
enters the world. 

The young lady stands at the left of the 
mother during the reception of guests, and is 
presented to her elders and to ladies. 

Of course, welcomes and brief congratulatory 
compliments are offered to her by each guest, 
and then place is made for the presentation of 
others who are arriving. 

When supper is announced, if there is no 
brother, the father escorts the young lady to the 
table, and the mother follows at the last, accom- 
panied by the most honored of the gentlemen 
present. If there be a brother, the father leads 
the way with the eldest or most distinguished 
lady of the party, and the brother escorts the 



44 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

dttutante, and places her at her father's left 
hand. 

The gentleman who is her partner in the first 
dance is usually selected by the mother from 
among the nearest and dearest friends of the 
family ; more than likely he is a kinsman. He 
dances but once with her ; nor does any other 
gentleman ask for this honor a second time, 
although he may express his regret to her that 
such a pleasure is denied him by the natural 
rights of others who wish to be her partner upon 
this first evening of her appearance. 

Visits of ceremony that are paid to the hostess 
following this entertainment of course include 
this young lady, but during her first season in 
society she has no card of her own. Nor does 
she pay formal visits alone. If she be the eldest 
unwed daughter, her name is engraved as Miss 
Saycroft, beneath that of her mother. If she 
have elder sisters at home, her name is engraved 
as Miss Katherine Felicia Saycroft. During this 
first season she does not receive gentlemen 
visitors without a chaperon under any pressure 
of circumstances. If her mother be unable to 



DEBUTS IN SOCIETY. 45 

receive with her, she declines a visit. After the 
first season her own separate card may be left, 
either alone or with those of other members of 
her family. 

This formality past, the young lady may be 
considered launched into that fascinating world 
of social intercourse and fashionable pleasures 
toward which she has most likely looked long- 
ingly for two or three years. 

The young gentleman somehow slips into 
society without formality. Whether or not it is 
because during the early years of the man he 
usually dislikes young Jadies who are not his 
cousins, or because he is off at college and fully 
absorbed, it is not easy to determine. Certain 
it is that the young man finds his way into the 
charmed circle without much difficulty. He 
begins by endeavoring to assist his mother at 
her entertainments, and by being an escort to 
his sisters on informal evening visits among lady 
intimates, where his maturity and attractions 
win for him a future invitation. . 

If he has been educated abroad, or has been 
absent from home, upon his return to town his 



46 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

mother or sisters leave his card with their own, 
which bit of paper signifies that his family ex- 
pect him to be included in whatever courtesies 
and hospitalities are extended to themselves. 

" The lad seldom longs for society, but the 
lass craves it the moment that she feels a stir of 
self-consciousness," insists an observer of the 
differences between boys and girls. If this be a 
truth, the necessary dividing line between the 
miss and the young lady cannot be too strongly 
marked, nor the importance of that formal bar- 
rier called a debut be overestimated. 



VI. 



VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS FOR LADIES. 

To the unrefined or the underbred person, 
the visiting-card is but a trifling and insignificant 
bit of paper; but, to the cultured disciple of 
social law, it conveys a subtle and unmistakable 
intelligence. Its texture, style of engraving, and 
even the hour of leaving it, combine to place 
the stranger whose name it bears in a pleasant 
or a disagreeable attitude, even before his man- 
ners, conversation, and face have been able to 
explain his social position. The higher the 
civilization of a community, the more careful it 
is to preserve the elegance of its social forms. 
It is quite as easy to express a perfect breeding 
in the fashionable formalities of cards as by any 
other method, and perhaps, indeed, it is the 
safest herald of an introduction for a stranger. 
Its texture should be fine, its engraving a plain 
script, its size neither too small, so that its re- 



48 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

cipients shall say to themselves, " A whimsical 
person," nor too large, to suggest ostentation. 

Refinement seldom touches extremes in any- 
thing. No flourishes, but clear, medium-sized 
letters, with the prefix of " Mrs." or " Miss " in 
every case, except where there is a title. No 
lady should use a suggestion of her husband's 
political honors, religious rank, military or naval 
position, or his professional occupation, either 
by abbreviation or otherwise. She does not 
wish to be honored for his sake, but for her 
own. A lady may be mentioned with the honor- 
able prefix that her husband bears, but she 
should never assume it herself. It is not eti- 
quette, and is in bad taste. Besides, there is no 
limit arranged for grades. If one lady is to be 
called " Mrs. Mayor Puff," there is another who, 
upon the same principle, should be styled " Mrs. 
Detective Key," or " Mrs. City Scavenger Spade." 
Ladies who are not themselves professional 
never prefix a title to their cards. Nor need 
they, even when their family pride of place is at 
its fiercest, because custom permits her to leave 
her husband's card with her own upon all those 



VISITING-CARDS FOR LADIES. 49 

occasions which require hers, and in many in- 
stances the use of his card with hers is a mat- 
ter of strict etiquette. 

The card is the medium of social intercourse 
when we are in our gayest moods, and we choose 
it to convey our sympathies to the sorrowful. 
The friendliest sentiments are expressed by a 
timely card, and our coldest and bitterest dis- 
likes can be similarly carried to an enemy. 
It tells its little story of fondness or of indif- 
ference, according to the promptness and the 
method of its arrival. It announces a friend, 
and it says adieu. It congratulates delicately, 
but unmistakably, and it is the brief bearer of 
tidings which a volume could explain with no 
more clearness. 

The card etiquette of the best society of New 
York is necessarily different from what it would 
be if our royalty and rank were inherited, in- 
stead of acquired. The same formalities prevail 
throughout the entire country, with the excep- 
tion of Washington, which has customs peculiar 
to its fluctuating political conditions, more or 
less modified by the presence of foreign embas- 



50 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

sadors. Card and other etiquette, in that single 
city, is governed by its own social by-laws, to 
which no other place could conform, even if it 
chose to imitate our national capital. 

In France the stranger always pays the first 
visit, either with or without an introductory let- 
ter. In England, among equals in rank, an in- 
vitation to call follows the leaving of a card, 
provided the acquaintance is desired. In New 
York, an introduction is a formal necessity. An 
acquaintance to be formed between strangers 
may be arranged by card, where a personal pre- 
sentation is inconvenient. Letters of introduc- 
tion are not now so frequently used as formerly, 
unless some explanation is required. The intro- 
ducing lady uses the following formula, neatly 
and distinctly written, upon the upper half, at 
the left-hand corner, of his or her own visiting- 
card : 

INTRODUCING 
MRS. FELIX GRANDCOURT. 

This card is enclosed in an envelope with 
that of the lady desiring this presentation. 
This envelope must be of a fine quality, and 



VISITING-CARDS FOR LADIES. 51 

either posted or sent by messenger. There was 
a time when a messenger only was considered 
either proper or courteous, but the postal deliv- 
ery is now approved, and is equally appropriate 
for the uses of the greater part of a lady's mes- 
sages, The lady who receives the two cards 
must call in person, or, if this be impossible, 
some member of the family must call, or a letter 
be sent by special messenger to explain the 
omission. Nothing less than this is possible, 
without offending the introducing party. 

If the call is made upon the sender of the 
two cards, not more than ^three days should inter- 
vene between this courtesy and the introduction. 
This visit must be as promptly returned, unless 
an " At home " day is mentioned, either upon 
the visiting-card or during the interview. If no 
special courtesies are extended, and the intro- 
duced lady resides at a distance, she must leave 
a card with P. P. C. {pour prendre conge) written 
upon it, to give information of her departure ; 
but, if their acquaintance has gone no farther 
than one visit each, she need not call again, and 
her leave-taking card closes the courtesy. If 



52 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

she be a resident of the city, she may include 
the new acquaintance in her formal visiting-list, 
and invite her to receptions; but she cannot 
first ask the acquaintance, whom she has herself 
desired, to a breakfast, luncheon, or dinner. It 
would be obtrusive. The first hospitality is a 
privilege that is very properly reserved to the 
one who has received an unsought acquaint- 
ance. 

After a personal introduction, the oldest resi- 
dent may, if she choose, leave a card, which 
must be similarly acknowledged within a week, 
unless a visiting day is engraved or written upon 
the card of the first caller, when that special 
occasion cannot be overlooked without a return 
card or a written apology. No further visiting 
is necessary, unless mutually convenient or 
agreeable. Even this limited intercourse makes 
frequent meetings in society easier and more 
agreeable, and it involves nothing. It is simply 
ornamenting the barren wastes of speechless- 
ness. 

When a lady changes her residence, she must 
leave her card, with her new address, upon those 






VISITING-CARDS FOR LADIES. 53 

to whom she is indebted for a visit ; but she 
need not enter, and she may send it by post to 
those upon whom she made the last call. Her 
new neighborhood may be out of the limits of 
her late friends' visiting range, or it may be 
located in a street that is distasteful ; hence the 
first card .should never include a call upon 
formal acquaintances. 

When a lady leaves town for the summer, or 
for a voyage, if the season be well advanced, she 
sends her own and her family's P. P. C. cards, 
with temporary address upon them, by mail, 
when she has had no opportunity of taking leave 
during an accidental interview. When she re- 
turns to town again she sends out her cards, 
with or without an " At home " day upon them. 
The properly-kept visiting-book of each lady 
will decide who should pay the first call in the 
autumn. 

If a young lady is to be married, she leaves 
her card in person, about three weeks before the 
event ; but she does not visit. Her mother's or 
chaperons card accompanies her own. Their 
names are not engraved together, as they may 



54 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

have been upon their previous visiting-cards. 
The young lady, being about to assume a new 
dignity, very properly leaves an independent 
name and address for each lady member of the 
household which she honors. Its signification is 
plain. She desires to retain their friendship in 
her new relation; and, as she is about to be the 
central figure of another house, and the dis- 
penser of its courtesies, it is proper for her to 
leave this intimation of a future welcome to 
gentlemen and ladies alike. (Other card for- 
malities for weddings will be found in their 
proper chapter.) 

If a death occurs in the household of a friend, 
a card with any appropriate sentiment written 
upon it, or a bouquet of cut-flowers and a card, 
are sent directly. This bouquet is not intended 
for a funeral parade, but an emblem of personal 
sympathy and affection. The same gentle recog- 
nition of any felicitous event, such as the birth 
of a child, a private wedding, the entering of 
a new house, etc., is a pleasant, but not rigid, 
etiquette among friends and admirers. 

Among acquaintances the card only, with no 



VISITING-CARDS FOR LADIES. 55 

intruding expression upon it, is left, either with 
or without flowers — usually without, when a sor- 
row has fallen upon a family. This card may be 
that of a stranger even ; but it is never sent, and 
always left in person, or it is carried by special 
messenger, as a more delicate recognition of the 
grave event. This act is one of gentle kindli- 
ness, and demands no acknowledgment what- 
ever. It is compelled by too delicate a senti- 
ment for the sympathizer to desire a reply. 

This etiquette is not a necessity, but is only 
a proof of gentle breeding and refined manners. 
It is what the Parisian means by noblesse oblige, 
and it is becoming more and more a custom in 
New York's best society. 

Cards are always first left in the hall when 
entering a reception. This custom makes the 
debtor and creditor list of the entertainer easier 
to arrange, because announcing names is rarely 
done in New York ; and, even if it were, in large 
circles the memory must be excellent that can 
retain all the faces of those who accept these 
courtesies. Provided an invitation to a party or 
a reception is necessarily declined after having 



56 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

been accepted, cards are sent by messenger upon 
the same evening, and an explanatory note is 
forwarded the next day, when more leisure will 
make its excuses and its regrets comprehensible. 

The card etiquette of ladies is not at all dif- 
ficult. Familiarity with the best usages of soci- 
ety and a little leisure insure a smooth social 
intercourse with the world. The' unmistakable 
expression of a card, of course, depends upon 
the time of its arrival, and also the method of its 
conveyance. An invitation-card and a reply to 
it may go by post, but a card of sympathy or of 
congratulation cannot. This must be left in 
person, if possible, otherwise by special messen- 
ger. 

The forms and qualities of cards and their 
style of engraving are a matter in which a deli- 
cate taste is not thrown away. This has been 
mentioned before, and we emphasize it. 

The husband's card should accompany that 
of his wife upon all formal occasions ; but it is 
no longer stylish for both names to be engraved 
upon the same card, except directly after mar- 
riage. The mother's and the eldest daughter's 



VISITING-CARDS FOR LADIES. 57 

names are always engraved upon the same card 
during the first season of the young lady's ap- 
pearance in society, and afterward, if agreeable. 
This is the form : 

MRS. FELIX GRANDCOURT. 

MISS GRANDCOURT. 

101 Silver Avenue. 

If there are more than one daughter in society, 

MISSES GRANDCOURT 

is a proper form to use. If a chaperon other 
than the mother introduces and accompanies 
young ladies into society, her visiting-card and 
theirs are left together, to prevent a misunder- 
standing of their gelations, and to intimate that 
they are inseparable for the season. 

When a son has entered society, his mother 
leaves his card with her husband's and her own, 
which signifies that it is expected that he will be 
included in the season's invitations. This is 
strict etiquette. In a city of business gentlemen, 
this arrangement explains family conditions 
which might not otherwise be understood ; and, 



58 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE, 

after one invitation is received from a lady by 
the son, he can manage his own social matters 
with her by making his party call, and leaving 
his own card and address. 

The arrangement of his entree into society is 
managed by his mother, or by a near lady rela- 
tive, provided the mother is unable to attend to 
those formalities which strict etiquette demands. 

Not longer than a week must elapse before 
the cards of all who have been invited, whether 
the invitation was accepted or not, are to be left 
by some member of the family, upon both host 
and hostess, and also upon any one for whom 
the entertainment may have been given. A sin- 
gle lady member of the family may perform this 
social duty of returning cards of thanks and 
congratulations upon the success of the fete, 
because, in the height of a gay season, pressing 
engagements compel a division of these formali- 
ties. Gentlemen cannot assist in these social 
arrangements, and thus relieve the lady members 
of the family. They may, however, leave a 
lady's card at a house of sorrow, but not after a 
festivity. 






VII. 

CARD AND VISITING CUSTOMS FOR GENTLEMEN. 

After a gentleman has been presented to a 
lady, he may be in doubt whether the acquaint- 
ance will prove agreeable to her. He may be 
too delicate to give her the unpleasantness of 
refusing him permission to call upon her, should 
he beg such an honor. Therefore, if he covet 
her acquaintance, he leaves his card at her resi- 
dence, and her mother or chaperon will send an 
invitation to him to visit the family, or, perhaps, 
to be present at an entertainment, after which it 
is his duty to call and pay his respects. If the 
list of her acquaintance be already too exten- 
sive, no notice need be taken of the card, and 
he will wait for a recognition from the ladies of 
the household when they meet again. If the 
acquaintance be really desirable, a prompt ac- 
knowledgment of his desire to become ac- 



60 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

quainted is admitted in some refined and 
acceptable form. 

If he be introduced by card or by letter, he 
calls upon the lady addressed, and inquires for 
the ladies of the family, and sends in his own 
card, carefully addressed, along with that which 
introduces him. Of course he is received, if the 
introducing party be properly respected ; and 
then, if the acquaintance be mutually agreeable, 
there are easy methods of discovering it to each 
other. Whether he be welcome for his own 
sake, or for that of the person who introduced 
him, he will not be long in discovering. There 
will be equally easy and early methods of break- 
ing off the acquaintance if it prove less agreeable 
to the gentleman than was anticipated, and yet 
there need be no breach of etiquette, and no 
lessening of the highest social tone in the inter- 
course between the two parties. 

An invitation to visit a gentleman who is a 
new acquaintance without mentioning the prob- 
able time of being able to receive him, is equiv- 
alent to no invitation at all, and the invited 
person need not hazard a call. 



CARD ETIQUETTE FOR GENTLEMEN. 61 

If a gentleman asks for a presentation to an 
elderly, or to a married lady, she understands it 
to be complimentary, and her manner may say 
" Thank you ! " without emphasizing her grati- 
tude by an invitation to him to continue the 
acquaintance. When he meets her again he 
must wait for her recognition, without the slight- 
est intimation upon his countenance that they 
have met before. When she bows to him, he 
has an equal opportunity of expressing thanks 
by his manner. But if at the introduction she 
chooses to be sufficiently pleased with him, and 
she is assured of his social position, she may 
extend to him permission to pay his. respects to 
her. As a well-bred unmarried lady cannot do 
this, the young gentleman, in such a case, must 
bide his time by leaving his card, as before inti- 
mated. 

This arrangement renders the making of ac- 
quaintances an easy and comprehensible affair, 
provided it is agreeable to both persons, and it is 
a wall of defense against strange and unwelcome 
visitors. However unpleasant the result may be 
of an attempt to make a lady's acquaintance in 



62 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

this manner, every true gentleman will recog- 
nize the necessity of barriers across the sacred 
threshold of home. 

The style of the gentleman's card, and his 
address, often secure acceptability when com- 
bined with the recollection of the host or hostess 
who made the presentation ; and, by the same 
token which he took the trouble to leave at the 
lady's door, she is certain that the gentleman 
really desires to visit her, and he can never sup- 
pose, much less say, that her family name was 
an unwelcome one upon his list of visiting- 
places. 

The receiver of the card makes a careful 
study of its style. The fine, lustreless texture, 
and the unpretentious size of the card ; its lack 
of flourish if it be a facsimile \ or its clear script, 
with the full address of the applicant for ac- 
quaintance placed at the lower right-hand cor- 
ner ; the prefix of Mr., if it be engraved in the 
latter style, and its omission if the card repre- 
sent the signature of the bearer, affect the social 
thermometer unmistakably. If it is in perfect 
taste, she admires him unconsciously for this 



CARD ETIQUETTE FOR GENTLEMEN. 63 

evidence of excellent style, refinement, and fa- 
miliarity with the details of a high social posi- 
tion and delicate breeding. She also observes 
the hour of his formal call. If he be a business 
gentleman, who cannot command the hours of 
the day, his first call is made between half-past 
eight and nine o'clock in the evening. If he be 
able to command leisure, he calls at the strictly 
conventional time, between two and five o'clock 
p. m. The careless, ignorant, or too eager busi- 
ness man will call as early as half-past seven 
p. m., for fear that the lady may be out. This 
displeases the highly-bred young hostess. It 
proves to her that he is either unfamiliar with 
the elegant etiquette of exclusive society, or else 
that he scorns formality, and she dislikes both 
ignorance and indifference to the best social 
usages. 

A gentleman leaves a card for both host and 
hostess within a week after an entertainment to 
which he has been invited, whether he accepted 
or declined the hospitality. If he cannot call, 
the card is imperative ; and a young man must 
possess scanty leisure indeed if he cannot ring 



64 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

a bell and leave this little recognition of a cour- 
tesy. 

A gentleman will always promptly accept or 
decline an invitation to anything. It was once 
an unsettled question whether or not receptions, 
kettledrums, and the like gatherings, required 
the formality of a reply. That vague doubt is 
terminated. Every invitation should be answered, 
and then there can be no misunderstanding. It 
is not much for the busiest of young men to do 
this, since the post is the acceptable and prompt 
medium for this sort of interchange of civilities. 

If he receives a card which introduces an- 
other gentleman to him^ it is accompanied by 
the card of the gentleman who makes the intro- 
duction. This is very properly delivered by the 
postal service, because etiquette between gentle- 
men permits it ; but he must recognize its recep- 
tion in person within three days, or, in case of 
inevitable failure to do this, he must send a card 
by special messenger, with explanation and the 
offer of such courtesies as are possible to him, 
provided, of course, the introducing person be 
entitled to such consideration. After an inter- 



CARD ETIQUETTE FOR GENTLEMEN. 65 

change of these paper civilities, the acquaintance 
may proceed, or cease, without unpleasant feel- 
ings upon either side, provided the receiver of 
the introductory card is satisfied that he owes 
no more than this to the presenting person who 
sent the stranger to him. If an acquaintance 
be formed that is agreeable, the receiving gen- 
tleman must offer the first hospitable courtesies 
before he can accept any from his friend's 
friend. If the latter depart from town after 
these formalities, he must leave his parting card 
on the eve of going away. Whenever he returns 
to the city again, he may7 if he desires, send his 
own card, and expect no recognition of its ar- 
rival. If it is noticed, he may be convinced that 
it is for his own sake that the meagre acquaint- 
ance is revived and kept warm. A gentleman 
will always leave a card for a bereaved friend, 
and in whatever other delicate and sympathetic 
ways that are possible to him he m^y show his 
comprehension of the sorrow ; but it must be a 
very familiar friendship indeed that permits him 
to write of it, or to speak of it when they meet. 

The days of agonizing letters of condolence are 
5 



66 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

happily past. Etiquette now permits- the wounds 
of the heart to heal, without bruising and rend- 
ing them by long letters of sympathy. 

A gentleman never makes a formal call with- 
out asking to see all the ladies of the family. 
He sends in or leaves his card for each indivi- 
dual. If he be calling upon a young lady who 
is a guest in a household with whom he has no 
acquaintance, he must ask to see her hostess at 
the same time, and also send her his card. This 
hostess of his friend may decline interrupting 
his visit with her presence, but it is considered 
elegant and hospitable for her to descend before 
his visit terminates, to assure him that her 
guest's friends are welcome to her house. 

When he desires to see a lady whom he 
meets in society, she may, if the acquaintance 
warrants it, and she has been out in society one 
full season, receive him without the presence of 
her mother or chaperon, and he may not construe 
this informality into an indelicacy. It is a 
standard of social freedom that is proper to an 
American, and should not be criticised. 

The mother is likely to excuse herself. She 



CARD ETIQUETTE FOR GENTLEMEN. 67 

knows the constantly-expressed desire to see 
herself is complimentary and respectful, and as 
such the well-bred lady usually receives it ; but 
should she appear, and remain during the entire 
visit, all the same, he must be agreeable to her, 
and ask for her every time he calls. If her pres- 
ence is unsatisfactory to the daughter, they two 
can arrange these social affairs between them- 
selves. The visitor cannot be released from the 
obligations which strict etiquette has laid upon 
him. And besides, if the mother be the cultured 
and elegant conversationist that time and supe- 
rior social intercourse should have produced, 
she will elevate the tone of the visit, and lend to 
it a charm that is impossible to youth. 

A thoroughbred lady knows when her pres- 
ence is a blessing and a pleasure to young peo- 
ple, and also when it serves as a flaming sword, 
which is disguised as an elegant woman of soci- 
ety. If the mother be a superior lady, and re- 
main to absorb the conversation, she is either 
one or the other — a charm or a protector — and 
it is for the visitor to decide for himself in which 
character she hovers about her daughter during 



68 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

his visits. The earlier he discovers her reasons 
for remaining, the better for all. 

If a gentleman have sisters or daughters, he 
will consider these rigid rules none too severe. 
The man who quarrels with them, or with their 
enforcement, is just the person for whom they 
were established by those who, by reason of 
superior social position, experience, and refined 
culture, have combined to ordain them. 



VIII. 

MORNING RECEPTIONS AND KETTLE-DRUMS. 

A reception may be a very ceremonious 
entertainment, with elaborate and expensive ap- 
pointments, or it may be very simple and yet 
altogether elegant. The latter style of receiving 
has borrowed an English name, by which it is 
frequently called, to distinguish it from those 
more costly hospitalities which are becoming 
less and less fashionable in New York every 
succeeding season. It is often mentioned as a 
"kettle-drum/' because it is said to have origi- 
nated in garrisons, where officers and their wives, 
who have been accustomed to elegances, are 
compelled to extend only the most informal of 
courtesies, owing to the necessary limitations 
of camp life. They cannot provide sumptuous 
refreshments and expensive table service when 
they invite their friends upon stated occasions. 
The fascinations which this enforced absence of 



70 - SOCIAL ETIQUETTE, 

troublesome and costly elaborateness possesses 
for civilians, who sometimes imagine that they 
are compelled to bear the many burdens of os- 
tentation, have combined with the picturesque- 
ness of these social enjoyments in camp to 
bring the " kettle-drum " into general favor with 
fashionable people. 

The name " kettle-drum " signifies to a New- 
Yorker a light entertainment, with demutoilette 
for both ladies and gentlemen. It is claimed 
that a drum-head often served instead of a tea- 
tray at these delightful garrison sociabilities in 
England and the East Indies ; and since this in- 
formal service of tea has become popular in 
metropolitan society, some of our ladies have 
provided fanciful suggestions of these original 
afternoon parties in camp. Sometimes a tiny 
drum is beaten at intervals in the vicinity of the 
tea-table, where a lady of the household, or a 
favorite friend, presides. 

Sometimes a bright young lady, costumed 
prettily as a vivandiire, sits or stands by the tea- 
urn as its presiding genius; but these pictu- 
resque additions to an ordinary afternoon recep- 






i 



AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS. 71 

tion are not to be considered in the light of 
customs, but simply as pretty caprices, calcu- 
lated to give vivacity to the entertainment, 
which any lady may adopt. 

Many leaders of society choose the " kettle- 
drum " style of welcoming their friends, because 
their husbands dislike general gatherings, or are 
too weary or too absorbed to assist in entertain- 
ing evening guests. It is simply an " at home " 
in the daytime, or, as some ladies have lately 
styled it, "a social matin Je" the word matinee by 
general license being interpreted to mean occa- 
sions by daylight as distinguished from those at 
night. 

An elaborate reception is preceded by a visit 
or a call by card upon all acquaintances to 
whom the hostess is indebted for formal civil- 
ities. Her invitations are issued in her own 
name, with the addition beneath it, if she 
chooses, of daughter or friend, provided she 
proposes to be assisted in her entertainment by 
another, or if she desires it to be understood as 
an introduction of a stranger into her circle of 
society, or possibly it is a compliment to a 



72 

favorite acquaintance, 
usual forms of card : 



:tiquette. 



The following are the 



18 West Moore Street. 
MR. AND MRS. JOHN TALLMAN 

request the pleasure of your presence 

on Wednesday evening, December tenth, 

from eight until eleven o'clock. 



Or, 



No. 25 North Street. 
MRS. R. H. GOODMAN. 
MISS GOODMAN. 
Wednesday, December tenth. 
Tea at four o'clock. 

The " at home " is seldom engraved upon a 
reception-card for a simple entertainment, unless 
it be after a wedding. If a series of receptions 
are to be given, the lower line on the left of the 
card may be simply : 

Tuesdays in December, 
from three to seven o'clock. 

These cards are sent in two envelopes ; but 
less formal receptions or " at homes " may be 
signified by writing the day or days and hours 



AFTERNOON RECEP TIONS. ?3 

for receiving upon the left corners of visiting- 
cards, and possibly adding " kettle-drum. " 
These are sent by post in a single wrapper. If 
two or more ladies are to receive with the' 
hostess, their cards may or may not be inclosed 
with that of the lady of the house, according to 
inclination. 

At the ceremonious or grand reception, a 
carpet, and perhaps an awning, is stretched from 
the door to the curbstone. A serving-man, in 
dress suit and fresh white thread gloves, stands 
by the halting-place of the carriage, to open the 
carriage-door, and to assist those ladies to alight 
who are accompanied by no gentleman or no 
footman of their own. The luxury of an extra 
man upon the box of the carriage to perform 
this service is an exception rather than a rule in 
New York ; therefore the entertainer is careful 
to provide a person to do this service for her 
guests. In afternoon gatherings, gentlemen are 
seldom able to accompany the ladies of their 
households, therefore this serving-man is in 
greater request at the arrival and dismissal of 
carriages than he is at evening entertainments. 



74 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

He provides the alighting lady with the number 
of her carriage as it is fixed in the order of her 
arrival, and the same is given to her driver, so 
that he shall know when she asks for him, and 
he is called for by this very useful and, indeed, 
necessary out-of-door attendant. 

Another man, or it may just as well be a 
woman, awaits the arrivals, and opens the door 
without waiting for the bell to be touched. She 
receives the cards of the entering guests and 
directs the ladies to a dressing-room ; also the 
gentleman, if he happens to be chivalric enough 
to present * himself in the daytime ; but, more 
than likely, they will not desire to overlook or 
rearrange their toilets. Few ladies care to 
lay aside their handsome visiting-wraps and 
dress bonnets, and the gentleman may retain his 
hat in his hand, if he chooses, unless there be a 
crush, when safety to the form of this important 
article of dress, as well as convenience to the 
crowd, suggests that he deposit it in the room 
appointed for its care. 

A lady guest enters the salon on the gentle- 
man's right side, or, if she be a chaperon, and 



AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS. 75 

there be no gentleman, she approaches the host- 
ess with her charge at her right, as if she were a 
gentleman. After a very brief interchange of 
the usual salutations and inquiries, the guests 
pass on to give place to others. It is very in- 
considerate to engage in any conversation be- 
yond this with those who are receiving. 

Half an hour is quite long enough to remain 
in crowded drawing-rooms. It is kindness to 
the hostess to make a space for her many ac- 
quaintances, and it is possible discomfort to 
remain, unless there is some special entertain- 
ment, such as vocal music or the dance. The 
gentleman sometimes accepts coffee, etc., but he 
is a rare man who so dishonors his dinner as to 
eat at a mid-afternoon party. A lady seldom 
refuses an ice or oysters, and not infiequently 
she partakes heartily of a sumptuous entertain- 
ment. Of course the table has been spread with 
delicacies, that they might be eaten by whoever 
could enjoy them, and it is altogether proper to 
eat ; but, that few of our fashionables accustom 
themselves to accept rich food at this hour of 
the day, is all the information intended to be 



76 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

conveyed by these remarks. It is possible that 
an indifference to food in the intervals of regular 
luncheons and dinners has assisted to popular- 
ize a simpler provision for the palate at recep- 
tions. 

If there be dancing, as is provided not in- 
frequently in very large houses, and is sometimes 
mentioned on the corner of the card, a band of 
music is stationed as remotely as possible from 
the hostess, so that it shall not interfere with her 
conversation, and the ladies and gentlemen who 
are fond of dancing of course seek the dressing- 
room, in which to deposit their inconvenient 
outer wraps, etc. The hostess cannot leave her 
position to dance, but her daughters may do so 
during the latter part of the afternoon. It is not 
uncommon for the hostess to invite a few young 
people by special note, to remain and dance 
after the hours mentioned in the invitation, the 
refreshment-table providing them with an in- 
formal dinner. She may, if she chooses, make 
this request verbally during the reception. 

Ices, coffee, chocolate, tea, or wine, with 
fancy cakes or dainty sandwiches, etc., etc., may 



AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS. 77 

be passed to such guests as do not care to go to 
the refreshment-room for more substantial lux- 
uries. 

At a " kettle-drum, " after the formal salu- 
tations are made, if there be not a crowd of 
guests, a tray with tea, cream, and sugar is pre- 
sented almost immediately by a domestic, and 
another servant offers simple refreshments to 
accompany it. If the rooms be filled, the guest 
is asked to seek tea at the table where it is 
served. Some hostesses invite a bevy of young 
society girls of their acquaintance to serve her 
guests with tea and refreshments, and to enter- 
tain them while they are eating ; and they often 
wear coquettish caps, pretty aprons, and short 
dresses, to show their slippers and gay stockings. 

It is not expected that a ceremonious leave- 
taking will precede the departure of guests, es- 
pecially if the drawing-rooms are still well filled. 
The omission of this formality is not only not a 
discourtesy, but it is a real kindness. If the 
reception be a grand and elaborate one, after- 
calls are de rigueur; but if it be an informal one, 
a "kettle-drum," or a social matinee, after-calls 



78 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

are not expected. Indeed, this reception is 
scarce more than a condensation of calls. Those 
who are not able to be present send their cards 
on the day, and if possible during the reception 
hours. They are laid upon the hall-table with 
those of persons who have been present. In 
case of a series of receptions, none of which 
are attended, a card must be sent in to the last 
one without fail, and some ladies and gentlemen 
carry their courtesy so far as to send their cards 
on each day, or evening, to prove that, though 
absent, they do not forget the hospitality ex- 
tended to them. 

While the reception has been arranged for 
the daytime in most circles, it is also becoming 
quite fashionable for the evening, and its sim- 
plicity of detail, etc., spare it from the burdens 
of a party. Social gatherings of this sort prevail 
quite generally among people of literary and 
artistic tastes, when the entire evening may be 
spent in conversation, music, or reading. Hats, 
bonnets, and wraps are laid aside, but the cos- 
tume is not full evening toilet for the ladies. 
The gentleman should be in full evening dress, 



AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS. 79 

recent custom making this properfor all evening 
gatherings. Gloves for gentlemen are not in- 
cumbent, as they once were ; the latest practice 
being to omit them on all occasions save danc- 
ing parties, in obedience to the custom of Eng- 
lish gentlemen, whose exemplar is the Prince of 
Wales. White gloves are not appropriate at 
these gatherings for either ladies or gentlemen. 

The hostess rarely introduces people at these 
large receptions, partly because she is too closely 
occupied in receiving her guests, and partly be- 
cause it is not fashionable to do so unless re- 
quested. There are those who would consider 
it an unpleasantly officious act on the part of the 
hostess to thus insist upon acquainting them 
with unknown, and possibly unheard-of, individ- 
uals. The accepted formalities of introduction 
in New York are fully explained in another 
chapter, and referred to in this connection only 
to explain why they are even less frequently 
performed at large and general receptions than 
at parties, and also to suggest that they should 
seldom be expected or asked for in crowded 
assemblies. 



IX. 



GIVING AND ATTENDING PARTIES, BALLS, AND 
GERMANS. 

The evening party almost invariably includes 
dancing, and yet it is considered very proper to 
direct that the word dancing be engraved on the 
corner of the invitation, and also the hour of its 
commencing. The ball is, of course, an assem- 
blage exclusively for the dance. This amuse- 
ment and a substantial supper constitute a ball. 
The hour mentioned on the invitation is usually 
much later for a ball than it is for a party. The 
former ranges from half-past nine to eleven 
o'clock, though there are few entertainments in 
New York which commence so late as the time 
last mentioned. From nine to half-past ten are 
the favorite hours named in notes of invitation 
to balls. These notes are sent out in two enve- 
lopes, from ten to twenty days in advance of the 
festivity. The post is the safest messenger for 



PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS. 81 

them, unless the lady issuing the cards can trust 
her own servant. A single lost card often counts 
for a lost friend on these grand occasions. 

The party note or card is issued about a 
week or ten days prior to the appointed evening ; 
and unless it be a very formal occasion, a single 
envelope is sufficient wrapping. Of course the 
post can deliver them. The hour mentioned 
ranges from nine to half-past. 

The ball demands the fullest of toilets 
which the season admits, for both ladies and 
gentlemen. A few residences only have ball- 
rooms attached to them, because the limitations 
of a city prevent them from being numerous. 
If there is no ballroom, and the drawing-room 
is used instead, a linen cloth is stretched over 
the carpet, and the furniture is mostly removed. 
Growing flowers are arranged wherever they can 
be effectively placed ; garlands are hung pictu- 
resquely, and cut blossoms give forth their fra- 
grance, and add color and beauty as lavishly as 
the hostess chooses to provide. The supper- 
room is arranged with choice articles of food, 

both cold and hot, and is usually opened at half- 
6 



82 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 



past twelve or one o'clock. But there are light 
refreshments, also drinks to satisfy the varied 
tastes of a large company, such as coffee, choco- 
late, lemonade, bouillon; and most likely punches 
and wines are accessible during the entire ball. 
Waltzing goes on at intervals until supper is 
announced, and immediately after the German 
cotillon is danced. Square dances, so called, 
are now almost wholly out of fashion. 

The hostess sends out her invitations • to 
either ball or party after calling by card or in 
person upon all her proposed guests to whom she 
is socially indebted. They are handsomely en- 
graved in script, and issued in her own name for 
a ball, but in both her own and her husband's 
name for a party. 

The following is the fashionable formula for 
the ball : 

MRS. FARQUHAR ALEXANDER 

requests the pleasure of your presence 

on Thursday evening, December fifth, 

at half-past nine o'clock. 

Dancing. 28 Nottin g ham Pla «- 

The party invitation not only indicates an 



.. 



PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS. 83 

earlier hour for arriving, but instead of the sim- 
ple word dancing in the left corner it may be 
engraved dancing at eleven. 

Of course this invitation must be accepted or 
declined within two or three days after its re- 
ception. The form of acceptance or regret is 
written in the name or names of the party in- 
vited : 

MR. AND MRS. R. V. TORRINGTON 

accept with pleasure [or decline with sincere regret] 

Mrs. Farquhar Alexander's 

kind invitation for January third. 

Nottingham Place. 

An awning to shelter the guests from their 
carriage to the vestibule, and a carpet for them 
to tread upon from the curbstone to the hall, 
are provided at all balls, parties, and so-called 
" Germans " — (a term sometimes used to des- 
ignate a party in which this dance is the 
main feature) — and, indeed, wherever ladies in 
full dress are expected. A serving-man is sta- 
tioned at the proper place to open the carriage- 
door, number the carriage, and give the figures 
that it represents, printed upon a card, in the 



84: SOCIAL . E TIQ UE TTE. 

order of its arrival, to both driver and occu- 
pants ; so that when it is wanted it can be easily- 
secured, without the unpleasantness of hearing 
the name of its owner called out through the 
darkness. Another servant opens the vestibule 
door without waiting for the bell to be sounded, 
and he immediately directs the guests to their 
respective dressing-rooms. Now, just at this 
point arises a question which has long been in 
dispute, and it may be settled at once : " Which 
side of the stairway, the rail or the wall, should 
be accorded to a lady ?" 

It has been discussed by gentlemen, as if it 
were a matter for them to decide, which it is 
not, by any means. Such ladies as have been 
given their choice have invariably said : " Permit 
me to take your left arm with my right hand, 
and it does not matter whether it is wall or rail 
that I am nearest in going up or down stairs. I 
can better care for myself than you can care 
for me." 

Sometimes the turning or curving of the 
staircase so narrows the steps on the rail side as 
to make them dangerous to heedless feet. In 



PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS. 85 

such a case a lady must cling to the arm of her 
escort, or else clasp the rail with her fresh and 
tightly-fitting gloves, which last she is never 
willing to do if she can avoid it. 

Of course a gentleman cannot always wait to 
examine the architectural peculiarities of a stair- 
way before he decides which arm will best 
satisfy the lady whom he desires to benefit. He 
is safe in offering her his left. If she declines 
assistance, she will choose which part of the 
stairs she likes best to ascend, and the gentle- 
man will precede her by two or three steps. On 
going down he is always slightly in advance of 
her. This arrangement settles the question sat- 
isfactorily to the ladies, and gentlemen really 
have no right to a choice in this matter. 

A lady may,, and, indeed, she usually does, 
carry her bouquet (and her fan, also, if it be not 
suspended by a chatelaine, which it usually is) in 
the hand which rests for support upon the arm 
of her escort, thus leaving her left free to pro- 
tect her train, provided she desires to lift it from 
the tread of heedless or crowding feet. 

The wife enters a drawing-room on the hus- 



86 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

band's right, or, if the lady be not married, then 
the eldest lady occupies this position, provided 
there be more than one accompanying a gentle- 
man. Oftener than otherwise, the lady of to-day 
does not lean upon the arm of her escort, but 
advances into the salon unassisted. Indeed, the 
ancient custom is falling into disuse in our 
fashionable society. 

The lady precedes a gentleman by a step or 
two, when entering or passing out from an apart- 
ment, provided she does not retain his arm. In 
the highest circles in France, the lady enters 
several steps in advance of the gentleman at a 
formal reception. Our custom of precedence is 
not quite so pronounced as that. Possibly, the 
French lady is permitted this form of superiority 
in society because she really possesses so little 
genuine consideration elsewhere. 

After the usual greetings with the hostess, the 
guests walk about, find friends, etc., until the 
young ladies have accepted partners for the 
dance. An applicant for this honor and pleas- 
ure is always careful to recognize the office and 
authority of the chaperon when making his re- 



PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS, 87 

quest This is considered no more respect than 
is due to the lady who has kindly undertaken the 
care of a young lady at a ball. 

The gentleman returns the lady directly to 
the care of her married or her older lady friend, 
as soon as the dance is finished. He may linger 
here to converse with her, but not elsewhere, ac- 
cording to the usages of our best society. 

It is customary for both ladies to visit the 
supper-room with the gentleman with whom the 
young lady has last been dancing, and* with 
whom she may be still chatting at the side of 
her chaperon when this welcome moment has 
arrived : of course, provided he is at liberty to 
offer his services to them. No observable disin- 
clination to accept this escort is possible on her 
part, no matter what previous anticipations she 
may have indulged. A private ball is not a small 
coterie to which a lady may have been escorted 
without a chaperon, by an intimate gentleman 
friend, to whom she is to look for the civilities of 
the supper-table. A ball is too formal a place 
for any one to indulge in personal preferences 
of any kind. Even if a gentleman be of the 



88 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

lady's own party, and went to the ball in the 
same carriage with her, she cannot refuse the 
offer of another gentleman's arm to the supper- 
room in company with her mamma or her mar- 
ried lady friend. A gentleman is not as free as 
the lady at this moment. If he accompanies a 
lady or party of ladies, he must first be certain 
that they are properly attended at this im- 
portant moment, before he can offer his services 
to others. If it be possible, he is near enough 
to them at this hour to offer his services to them, 
but this is not always convenient. As at these 
entertainments there is provided what the Eng- 
lish call a " stand-up supper," the gentleman es- 
cort is careful to see that his ladies are fully 
served before he refreshes himself. A lady cannot 
accept the attentions of any other gentleman in 
the supper-room, except the host, or some other 
member of his family. If her escort be forget- 
ful of her requirements, she must ask a servant 
only for whatever she may want. 

These formalities of a private ball apply also 
to a public entertainment for dancing, and they 
must be followed in the latter case with even 



PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS. 89 

severer strictness. Among the few liberties which 
a young lady enjoys at a public entertainment is 
the privilege of refusing to dance with such ap- 
plicants for this honor as she chooses to disre- 
gard. Of course she does this courteously and 
gently ; but one must be a young lady to under- 
stand the full delight of this permission. If she 
refuses an invitation to dance at a private ball, 
as has been mentioned, she loses the dance alto- 
gether, and must sit all through its bewildering 
and inviting music. Balls terminate by two or 
three o'clock. 

At a party, dancing seldom begins until after 
supper, as the cards will suggest. Conversation, 
music, etc., occupy the earlier part of the even- 
ing, and the dancing is ended and all depart- 
ures are made by one o'clock at the latest. 

The " German " differs very little in its eti- 
quette from that of the party. The leader of the 
dance is to be selected with discretion by the 
hostess, and the favors, which are always pro- 
vided for the dancers, are chosen with individual 
and refined taste, always avoiding ostentatious 
display. The hostess is attentive to the ladies, 



90 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

observing if any timid or unattractive guest re- 
ceives a noticeably small number of these trifles. 
With tact she quietly provides her with dances 
that shall make all favors as nearly equal as is 
possible upon such occasions of competition. 

Generally the early part of the evening is 
spent with the waltz, and after supper the " Ger- 
man/' Of course, nobody gives a " German " 
without being familiar with all the necessary and 
peculiar etceteras, which it is not in the province 
of etiquette to explain. The card of invitation 
is usually like that of a party, "The German" 
being engraved on the left-hand corner, with the 
hour when the dance is to commence. This 
mention of the time for opening this peculiar 
dance will be appreciated by all who are familiar 
with its requirements. If a coterie meets for 
practising the " German," it is customary for 
each lady member to invite all the members to 
her own house in turn, and as many other guests 
as is agreed upon by by-laws, from among her 
own particular friends. The cards of the coterie 
are engraved in script, and the monogram se- 
lected for it is upon the envelope. The follow- 



PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS. 91 

ing is the customary form, the card being issued 
in the name of the young lady's mother : 



MRS. 



requests the pleasure of your presence 
at a meeting of " the German" 
Tuesday evening, 



at half past eight o'clock. 

Calls to return thanks, offer congratulations, 
and for inquiries, are made upon the hostess on 
the first of her regular reception days after re- 
ceiving her hospitalities, or after being com- 
pelled to decline her courtesy. If she have no 
fixed time for receiving, a visit should be made, 
or cards left for her, within ten days after the 
festivity. 



X. 



DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 

The history of an unknown civilization might 
be read in the bill of its fare, and in the forms 
of its feasting. We need not search beyond the 
conventionalities of the banquet to inform our- 
selves of the subtlest perfections of refined taste, 
or of a supreme barbarism. Between these two 
extremes stretch vast and varied areas of les- 
sening skill, or of decreasing vulgarity, no grade 
of which is indistinguishable. Individual awk- 
wardness and stupidity fail to exercise the re- 
finements of the era, and by this test the meas- 
urement of its advancement toward superiority 
is exact and trustworthy. Not that superior 
methods of eating are the highest of accomplish- 
ments by any means, but they are trustworthy 
indicators of indwelling tendencies and develop- 
ments. 

There are those who reject the highest forms 



DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 93 

of social etiquette through an assumed superior- 
ity to fixed rules ; but an isolated case of ab- 
sence of good manners, and of high forms of 
conduct, proves nothing, and, as a modern 
writer declares, " should be attributed to a per- 
sonal incapacity for appreciating them. ,, 

A tendency toward originality in individual 
cases might increase the charm of social inter- 
course, and ultimately lead to superior and more 
attractive formalities ; but we have arrived at a 
sufficiently excellent standard in etiquette to 
satisfy the most fastidious of dinner-givers and 
diners-out, especially when we remember that 
aiming at the possible in these critical affairs is 
a dangerous experiment. Inharmony is never 
beautiful, although originality may be, and safety 
is to be found only in established formalities. 

Pendent as we have been between the Eng- 
lish style of entertaining, which is a massive so- 
lidity, and the lighter and more graceful French, 
we are no longer vibrating. We have rested 
ourselves upon a standard that is largely our 
own, although, like our legal statutes, our social 
regulations have been formulated from such of 



94 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

the habits of both nations as are adaptable to 
ourselves. As we had neither royalty nor rank to 
decide these matters for us, the time consumed 
in the adjustment of our social affairs was, very 
naturally, extended through many years. We 
became weary of being asked, " How do you 
do these things in America ? " when we had no 
proper reply to make. " I suppose you have a 
best society, and I would like, you know, to un- 
derstand how you regulate it. Does anybody 
possess a right of precedence at a dinner-party ?" 
inquired a small, but not intentionally imperti- 
nent, " my lord " not many years since. " I 
don't suppose you feel settled in social matters," 
he went on to say, as if he intended good-na- 
turedly to apologize for all the social barbarities 
which he had traversed the sea to witness, and 
the entire absence of which would doubtless 
have disappointed him. 

" Indeed, we do have a best society, and 
most excellent it is, too, because we recognize 
superiority without consulting a Doomsday-book. 
We know exactly what to do for ourselves and 
for our visitors," was the prompt answer. Of 



DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 95 

course this reply was part pride and part truth, 
and the former sentiment was made just sore 
enough to compel us to seek after a protection 
against future hurts of this sort, which might be 
inflicted by the semi- contempt of a traditional 
nobility. 

The lady who purposes to give a dinner- 
party, or a series of parties, is exceedingly care- 
ful to catalogue all the names to whom she de- 
sires to extend the hospitalities of her house. 
From all these she selects and groups those who 
will affect each other pleasantly, either by reason 
of positive sympathy, or by an agreeable con- 
trast of tastes, interests, or sentiments. The 
differences in social conditions often go far tow- 
ard deciding upon the groups, but latterly intel- 
lectual attainments have established a higher 
grade of position, and the combinations of guests 
are based upon mental accomplishments, instead 
of family connection. In either case the eti- 
quette is the same. As we have no real distinc- 
tions of birth, and find ourselves affected by the 
traditional customs of our ancestry, we too often 
hunt after a lion or a lioness as a motive for a 



96 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

feast, because this person or personage will make 
the formalities of the occasion less difficult of 
settlement. This hero may not be eminent to a 
startling degree, but all the same his presence 
settles beyond question who is to go in to dinner 
with the host or hostess, and this decision assists 
the timid entertainers amazingly. Sometimes it 
is the birthday of the honored guest, the return 
of a bridal party, a reentrance into society 
after an illness, or following a sorrowful retire- 
ment from gayety ; or it may be the celebration 
of an achievement, literary, artistic, political, or 
financial ; but being a decided something to 
distinguish a single individual, and to hang upon 
him or her, a reason for receiving precedence 
over all others on this occasion of feasting, she 
is escorted by the host to the table, and placed 
at his right hand ; but if the honored guest be a 
gentleman, or the husband of the honored lady 
guest, he goes in to dinner with the hostess, and 
sits upon her right hand. 

If there really is no person to whom an espe- 
cial attention is to be shown, the eldest lady 
(provided she is old enough to be proud of her 



DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 97 

many years), the wife of the highest official, or 
of the most eminent scholar, or the one who is 
the greatest stranger, is offered the arm of the 
host. 

To give the dinner in honor of some person, 
or " to meet " a particular party, as the invitation 
should explain (provided the guest be not un- 
mistakably famous), has an especial advantage 
in that it settles who shall, and who need not, be 
present. This is an agreeable and easy method of 
disposing of our first difficulty when issuing invi- 
tations. Those who are not invited, immediately 
understand, by lack of their own affiliations, why 
they were not included on this particular occa- 
sion, and they indulge in no unpleasant specula- 
tions about the matter. They know that, when 
a fitter occasion occurs, their names will be prop- 
erly grouped, according to their tastes and as- 
sociations. No explanation is necessary from 
the giver of a dinner to friends who are omitted. 
The invitation itself is its own interpretation, 
should the card fall under the eyes of those who, 
but for the " to meet " upon it, might feel hurt 
by a suspicion of neglect. 
7 



98 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

It is the customary style of those who give 
frequent dinner-parties to order their cards en- 
graved with a blank left for the written insertion 
of the name of the guests, also a place indicated 
for the date, to be filled in at pleasure. Upon 
an extra card, which is enclosed in the same 
envelope, is written the following form : 

TO MEET 
MR. LIVINGSTONE LIVINGSTONE, 

Of New Orleans. 

If the dinner be a very grand and ceremonious 
entertainment, and given to express respect for a 
well-known individual, and there is time for pre- 
meditated formalities, the name of the honored 
guest will be engraved upon the card of invi- 
tation, and sent out eight or ten days in advance 
of the evening. The replies should be immedi- 
ate, so that vacancies may be filled. If there is 
the slightest doubt about being able to be pres- 
ent, the invitation must be declined. If it be 
accepted, and an insurmountable obstacle comes 
in between the guest and the dinner, instant ex- 
planations must be made, as an empty chair at a 



DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 99 

feast is a depressing object, and usually leaves 
some lady without an escort, or some gentleman 
alone. 

Invitations to a dinner are always given in 
the name of both host and hostess. If it be an 
engraved card or note, the name of host and 
hostess occupies one line, extending across the 
card ; the request follows, in smaller script, with 
the name of the invited person or persons writ- 
ten across in a blank space arranged by the en- 
graver. Below this are the date and hour of the 
dinner. 

Until very recently, the initials R. S. V. P. 
{Repondez sHl vous plait) have been engraved 
upon all formal cards, but they are less and less 
frequently seen. To thus ask, or even remind, a 
lady or gentleman that an invitation should be 
answered is, to say the least, a faint reproach 
upon their breeding. All refined people who 
are accustomed to the best social forms are fully 
aware that it would be an unpardonable negli- 
gence to omit replying to such an invitation for 
a single day. Although it is not intended as an 
insult to an acquaintance's intelligence, it is one, 



100 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE 

nevertheless. The only place where R. S. V. P. 
may be written, with strict etiquette and propri- 
ety, is to an informal note, which the receiver 
might otherwise place among the unconsidered 
trifles of social life, but which, for some ade- 
quate reason, the sender desires to have an- 
swered. 

An engraved request sent to an acquaintance 
is usually in one of the following styles : 

• MR. AND MRS. HOWARD BELLPORT 

request the pleasure of 

company 

at dinner on 



_i87 at _d clock. 



No. 10 Capulet Avenue. 
Or, 

MR. AND MRS. HOWARD BELLPORT 
request the pleasure of 

company at dinner, 



at seven o'clock. 
No. io Capulet Avenue. 

(The word " company " is used in an invita- 



DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 101 

tion to dinner, but "presence" is preferred in a 
card that invites a guest to a wedding.) 

The day of the week is written in letters, 
also the hour ; but the day of the month may be 
in numerals if preferred. 

If it be an engraved note, a monogram or a 
crest may be placed at the centre of the top of 
the sheet ; but, if it be a card, it is considered 
more refined to place this device upon the enve- 
lope only. Monograms and ciphers are oftener 
used than crests, partly because we are really 
entitled to no crest in this country ; but many 
superior people retain this family emblem through 
respect for their ancestry, and without a thought 
of arrogance or an atom of unjustifiable pride. 

If the dinner is given in honor of some noted 
person or persons, the following is the engraved 
form of invitation : 

MR. AND MRS, HOWARD BELLPORT 

request the pleasure of 

company at dinner, on Tuesday, 
January 20th, at seven o'clock, to meet the 

HON. MR. AND MRS. BROADTOP. 

No. io Capulet Avenue. 



102 SOCIM. ETIQUETTE. 

The following form is used in writing an imme- 
diate reply : 

MR. AND MRS. IIORART HARRISON 
accept with pleasure 

MR. AND MRS. HOWARD BELLPORT'S 

invitation to dinner, at seven o'clock^ Tuesday evenings 

January loth. 

If unable to accept, the refusal must be worded 
in a manner expressive of disappointment. The 
following is the prevailing style: 

MR. AND MRS. HOB ART HARRISON 

regret that a previous engagement 

[or illness, or an unfortunate event] 

prevents the acceptance of 

MR. AND MRS. HOWARD 15 K I. 1. 1' O R T ' S 

invitation for Tuesday eventngt January loth. 

( )f course the formality or informality of the ac- 
quaintance between the parties regulates the 

method and clearness of this declining of the 

invitation. 

If the note sent in reply be bordered with 
black, that tells its own story; but there are 
many things which may not he mentioned, but 
which make gayetics unwelcome at times, and 



DINNER GIVING AND DINING our. j ;> 

v lady with a sweet temper will receive 
declinations to her invitations in the full belief 

that the regret is genuine. 

To be prompt, but not too early, to dinner, is 
a rigid necessity thai requires no explanation, 
Five or ten minutes are the customary interval 
between arriving and the dinner hour. Earlier, 
the hostess may not be able to be in waiting to 
welcome her guests. Later than this, time for 
introductions, and arrangements for escoijs to 
the table, may not be sufficient, [fthe party be 
chosen from those who arc already acquainted 
with each other, il is customary for cards to be 
handed on a tray to each gentleman by the 

servant at the door. lie will select the one with 
his own and a lady's name written upon it, and, 
after the usual greetings with host and ho 

are over, the guest seeks his partner and awaits 
the announcement of dinner. If tin- guests be 

unfamiliar with each other, the lady, when i<- 

ing them, si to each gentleman his 

partner, and the host presents him to this lady, 
and also informs him if his place at the table he 

at the right of host or hostess. This plan les- 



104 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

sens the difficulty of finding assigned positions 
at table. 

Cards, either plain or ornamental, according 
to the taste or the ceremoniousness of the din- 
ner, are laid at each lady's and gentleman's 
plate, with their names upon them. The menu 
card is usually hidden beneath it. 

The dinner is announced by the chief waiter. 
He stands at the entrance to the drawing-room 
which opens toward the dining-room, and bows 
to the host. The latter is alert, anticipating this 
silent information. He immediately offers his left 
arm to the lady-in-chief for this particular occa- 
sion. She may be the wife of the eldest gentle- 
man, or the especially honored guest, as before 
explained. He proceeds first, and his guests 
follow him to the dining-room, his wife entering 
last with the gentleman entitled to most con- 
sideration. Each pair find their assigned posi- 
tion by the card which awaits them, assisted 
by the information previously furnished by the 
host in regard to the side of the table chosen for 
them. This is done as quietly as possible, as 
nothing is less elegant than a bustling manner. 



DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 105 

The menu is not any longer printed upon the 
dinner-card, as it is customary to keep the latter 
as a souvenir of the banquet. To make this card 
worthy of the guest, individual taste, and not 
infrequently much money, is expended upon it. 

The ladies and gentlemen stand by their 
places until the hostess is seated, when each 
lady, whose chair has already been conveniently 
placed for her by her escort, also seats herself, 
and the gentlemen follow the example imme- 
diately. A gentleman offers his left arm to the 
lady whom he is to lead in to dinner. This 
leaves his right hand free to arrange her chair as 
she approaches the table. He places her at his 
right hand. 

If there be an equal number of ladies and 
gentlemen, and they are arranged at table in 
pairs, the host and hostess cannot sit exactly 
opposite to each other, provided the table be 
filled. This difference in the vis-a-vis of hostess 
and host is of slight consequence when a dinner 
is served a la Husse, or even if it be not, be- 
cause the centres, instead of the ends, of a 
dining-table are usually occupied by the enter- 



106 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

tainers, so that they may be nearer to all their 
guests, to make conversation easier. If there 
are vacant places, they are at the remotest posi- 
tions from the heads of the house. 

The soup is passed to each one, who eats it, 
or pretends to do so. After soup, the guest may 
accept or refuse whatever follows, as the menu 
affords a knowledge of what may be expected. 

If wine be provided and the guest does not 
approve of it, a private table is not a suitable 
place for expressing individual convictions. He 
should receive or turn the wine in the different 
glasses sparingly, and make no comment. If 
toasts are drank, let him lift his glass, and be 
courteous. At a public dinner, the freedom of 
the occasion permits a noticeable rejection of 
wines ; but to accept private hospitality affords 
no liberty of criticism upon the conduct of the 
host. Both reproof and commendation are alike 
vulgar and discourteous. As formal dinners are 
now served a la Russe entirely, the intellectual 
entertainment is less difficult of management 
than when the host and hostess used the soup- 
ladle and the carving-knife. The fruits and 



DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 107 

nuts being a part of the table decoration, and 
already picturesquely arranged, the feast should 
proceed as smoothly and deliberately as did a 
familiar minuet in our grand dames' salons. The 
hosts have really nothing to do but to be agree- 
able. 

When the dinner is over, the hostess bows to 
the lady at the right of the host, rises, and all 
rise also. The gentlemen either stand until the 
ladies have left the apartment, or conduct them 
to the door, and then return. It is a graceful 
courtesy to escort the ladies to the drawing- 
room, but this is not incumbent. The ladies 
having withdrawn, the gentlemen who smoke 
light their cigars, or withdraw with the host to 
another apartment, for that purpose. In either 
instance their absence from the drawing-room 
should not be a prolonged one. Custom is 
abridging the after-dinner smoking as time pro- 
gresses. 

Coffee is usually served at table after the des- 
sert, but not infrequently it is served in the 
drawing-room a half an hour or so later. The 
hostess, in the latter case, usually sits by the 



108 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

coffee-urn, and the gentlemen may carry the 
coffee-cups to the ladies, followed by a servant, 
who bears a tray, upon which are sugar, cream, 
and often a handsome, low cut-glass caraffe of 
brandy. 

After coffee, any guest may take leave, and 
it is not expected that the latest lingerer will 
remain longer than two hours after dinner. If 
the party be not likely to separate directly, and 
a gentleman or lady is compelled to leave early, 
it is proper to speak to the hostess of this neces- 
sity before dinner, if possible, or at some early 
time when unobserved, and then leave quietly 
and unnoticed, without formal adieux, as the de- 
parture of one person often disturbs the pleasure 
of those remaining. The hostess understands 
unspoken leave-takings if she be familiar with 
New York customs. This polite withdrawal is 
one of the many pleasant habits taken from 
Parisian etiquette. 

Strict etiquette demands that a call be made 
upon the hostess by each guest within a week. 
If she have a fixed receiving-day within the 
time, it is the proper occasion for returning 



DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 109 

thanks and inquiring after the lady's health. If 
that particular day cannot be made convenient, 
cards left in person (right side or right-hand 
upper corner turned over) for each grown mem- 
ber of the family is accepted instead of a call. 

As we are a business people, gentlemen with- 
out wives, mothers, or sisters to carry their cards 
for them, are permitted by the strictest approv- 
ing etiquette to send them by post. Of course 
this is only done when a call in person, or by 
the hand of a relative, is impassible. 

A lady goes to a dinner-party in whatever is 
considered full toilette for that season, and the 
gentlemen also. Gloves are removed after being 
seated at the table, and they need not be re- 
placed again during the evening. 



XL 

BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS, AND SUPPERS. 

A complimentary and formal breakfast is 
usually given by a Parisian at the hours which 
are customary for this meal when eaten in pri- 
vate by fashionable people. The time varies 
only slightly in different elegant establishments, 
vibrating between half-past nine and eleven 
o'clock. 

Guests to an exceedingly formal breakfast in 
our city are bidden at twelve, but really social 
breakfasts, such as are often extended to a 
stranger in town whom a friend desires to pre- 
sent to his or her own immediate associates, is 
seldom later than half-past ten, and a half-hour 
earlier is the time oftenest mentioned. Of 
course, this is a real breakfast, and not one with 
at least two private luncheons preceding it. 

Eager as some of our citizens may have been 
to follow the examples of nobly-born foreign 



BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS, ETC. Ill 

society, when it came to deciding upon the hour 
for our breakfasts our human nature revolted 
against such a tormenting postponement of this 
nominally first meal of the day. Not but that 
we all know that the hospitality called a break- 
fast, which is arranged for twelve o'clock, is 
simply a disarrangement of the usual order of 
the names of one's meals, and possibly a rever- 
sal of their menu also ; but our social code re- 
jects English etiquette in this entertainment 
most decidedly. 

It is not improbable that this early and really 
charming method of entertaining a friend may 
become a movable feast, and its time be fixed at 
a still earlier hour. Macaulay said : " Dinner- 
parties are mere formalities; but you invite a 
man to breakfast because you want to see him ; " 
but then Macaulay really belonged to the nobil- 
ity of letters rather than to that rank which lives 
to support its titles. 

Both gentlemen and ladies may be guests 
at the breakfast-table, but ladies only usually 
receive invitations to a luncheon-party. The 
breakfast is a less troublesome entertainment, 



112 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

and far more social and enjoyable than a dinner. 
People meet before the occupations of the day 
have wearied them, or its pleasures have given 
birth to satiety, that most appalling of grievances 
to the lady or gentleman upon whom society 
makes constant demands. Business gentlemen 
can enjoy these semi-early gatherings but sel- 
dom; but to literary persons, and to men of 
leisure, they are as convenient to attend as an 
evening-party ; and possibly to the former they 
are more acceptable, because the night-time has 
become, through inherited tastes and tenden- 
cies, the too common hour for working with the 
brain. 

Invitations to a breakfast, unless it be a 
grandly important mid-day affair, are written, 
and thus need not be issued more than five days 
in advance of the entertainment. Indeed, a 
breakfast may be almost impromptu, and not 
shock the social dogmas of the very severest 
of our formalists. The style of this note may be 
quite as informal as any brief but friendly letter, 
or it may be the lady's visiting-card which con- 
veys the request, if this card be engraved after 



BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS, ETC, 113 

the customary form prevailing in New York, with 
the address in the right-hand lower corner, and 
the ordinary day for receiving callers upon the 
left. Below the lady's name may be written : 

BREAKFAST AT TEN O'CLOCK, 
January 12th. 

If another than the usual " at home " day be 
preferred, an ink line may be drawn through the 
engraved day of the week, and the following 
form is written upon the card : 

BREAKFAST, FRIDAY, AT TEN O'CLOCK, 

January 12th. 

Numerals are written upon a card, but they 
are not engraved, except it be the number of a 
residence. 

This breakfast should never be elaborate, but 
it cannot be too dainty in its food, or in the ap- 
pointments of the table. The best of every- 
thing, prepared in the choicest of styles, but 
nothing heavy, nor excessive in quantity, should 
be prepared. Walking costumes are worn by 

both gentlemen and ladies, also visiting-gloves, 
8 



114 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

which are removed at table. The descent from 
the dressing-room and greetings between the 
hostess and guest are just the same as at a din- 
ner-party. 

If ladies and gentlemen are equal in number, 
the hostess is careful to arrange for partners at 
table ; and, in case there are more than eight 
guests, cards are placed at the proper plates, 
where every person will find his or her name 
awaiting him or her. If the sexes be unequal in 
numbers, ladies are informed of their lady-part- 
ners by the hostess, and they seek their assigned 
positions at table as usual. 

The host conducts the eldest lady, or the one 
entitled to his highest consideration because she 
is a stranger, a restored invalid, a recent bride, 
or is made for any noticeable reason temporarily, 
perhaps, the person to receive this mark of re- 
spect. If there is no host present, the lady of 
the house leads the way to the breakfast-room, 
accompanied by her most honored guest, either 
gentleman or lady. 

The food is served from the sideboard, or 
upon the table in courses, according to taste or 



BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS, ETC. 115 

convenience, and the only way in which the 
mere formalities of a breakfast differ from those 
of a dinner are that the coffee, chocolate, and 
tea service is attended by the hostess, in front 
of which she sits, and the courses are less in 
number. Guests depart within half an hour 
after leaving the breakfast-table. 

After-calls of formality are not expected after 
a breakfast given in this simple style. The 
grand and formal breakfast demands handsome, 
but not evening toilettes for the ladies, and 
morning or frock coats for gentlemen, with light- 
colored trousers, and waistcoats to correspond 
with the coat. The latter may, however, wear 
white vests, light kid gloves, and colored neck- 
ties. 

The gentlemen are arranged to escort lady 
guests according to cards, which they find await- 
ing them in their dressing-room, or which are 
offered to them on a tray by a servant. If the 
ladies selected for them be strangers, they should 
ask the hostess to present them directly after 
having exchanged the usual salutations with her. 
When breakfast is announced, the gentleman 



116 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

offers his left arm, just as he would at a dinner- 
party (the right arm is reserved for almost all 
attentions to a lady, except to escort her to the 
table). 

The guests follow the host in such order as 
the number makes convenient. The gentleman 
finds his own and the lady's seat by the card 
upon the table. The ladies, with the assistance 
of their cavalierS, seat themselves; the gentlemen 
then follow their example, when all are seated. 

The table is served with artistically-prepared 
delicacies ; but there are few or none of the 
heavy substantials of a dinner provided for an 
elegant breakfast. 

There are a few ladies who decline to preside 
over their coffee-urns for large breakfast-parties, 
but most hostesses enjoy the domestic hospitality 
which this attention to her friends suggests. 

The party rises at a signal from the hostess 
to her opposite lady guest, and all seek the 
drawing-room, to remain but a short time, before 
taking leave. 

A visit of thanks is rigorously insisted upon 
by etiquette after a grand party of this sort. 



BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS, ETC. 117 

The first receiving-day of the hostess, or, if she 
have no appointed time for being at home, any 
appropriate hour within ten days, may be chosen 
for this very proper attention to one whose hos- 
pitalities have been accepted. 

Suppers, as was mentioned, are gentlemen's 
parties, and from nine to ten o'clock is the usual 
time for them to be served. There are game 
suppers, fish suppers, wine suppers, and cham- 
pagne suppers, each one of which differs in the 
appropriate supplies for the table. But the for- 
malities of the occasion, or, rather, the informal- 
ities, are all of the same kind. The invitations 
may be made at interviews, by friendly notes, or 
by the host's visiting-card, with, written upon it, 

SUPPER AT TEN O'CLOCK, 

Saturday, January 20tk, 

If it is a fish supper, only little food except 
that which once lived in the water is provided ; 
salads and fruits, without a sweet dessert, com- 
plete it, with the additions of coffee and such 
wines as the host chooses for his guests. 

A game supper is confined almost strictly to 



118 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE, 

wild fowl, with wines and coffee; but the dessert 
may be pastry, creams, and bonbons. 

A wine or champagne supper is made up of a 
variety of luxuries, and differs from the dinner 
only in the cold fillets of game, boned turkey, 
spiced fish, etc., instead of meats that are all hot. 
The dessert is of various rich compounds, that 
are delightful to the palate of the epicure, but 
which mean heaviness and headache in the 
morning. 

One or two o'clock finds the party dispersed. 
They are usually called " bachelor suppers/' but 
why this name is provided for this feast it is 
difficult to determine, because the most excellent 
and really wonderful suppers of this sort are 
sometimes given by married gentlemen. 



XII. 

OPERA AND THEATRE PARTIES, PRIVATE 
THEATRICALS, AND MUSICALES. 

These entertainments belong peculiarly to 
the province of the wealthy, provided they are 
perfectly arranged. They are not uncommon 
among our wealthiest families ; but they are 
more frequently given by bachelors, who have 
no homes to which they may invite guests, and 
thus cancel some of their obligations to house- 
holds from which they have received courteous 
and special hospitalities. 

If given by a bachelor, he first secures a 
matron to chaperon the young ladies of his pro- 
posed party. If she be his own kinswoman, all 
the better for the harmony of the affair. This 
selection spares him from the unpleasant per- 
plexity of choosing from among the mammas of 
his young lady guests. He proffers his invita- 
tions in person, soliciting first the consent of the 



120 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

mother that her daughter may be his guest for 
the evening, at the same time mentioning what 
married lady will accompany them, and also fur- 
nishing the names of the gentlemen who are 
invited to be present. 

The dinner is usually given in a private par- 
lor of some fashionable hotel or restaurant, or in 
the house of some friend. The usual dinner 
formalities (see " Dinner Giving and Dining 
Out ") are followed, the matron of the party, 
of course, acting as hostess. The lady-guests, 
if not accompanied by father or brother, are 
usually attended by a waiting-woman, who re- 
turns home in the carriage to come back again 
for her mistress at the hour appointed, which is 
usually half-past twelve. 

The dinner hour is usually six o'clock for 
this style of party. Retiring from the table the 
party proceeds to the opera in carriages fur- 
nished by the host ; and the gentleman assigned 
as dinner escort to a lady accompanies her to 
the opera, where boxes have necessarily been 
secured, because the party is in full toilette. 

After the opera or theatre, the guests return 



OPERA AND THEATRE PARTIES, 121 

to the banqueting-room for refreshments, and 
then separate, a gentleman accompanying each 
young lady, provided only her waiting-woman 
call for her with her carriage. If her father or a 
kinsman arrive in her carriage, the gentleman 
who has been her attendant during the evening 
escorts her to her conveyance. He calls upon 
her within three days to inquire for her health, 
or leaves his card, provided a visit be impossi- 
ble to him. 

The bachelor host is compelled, by the laws 
of our best society, to pay his respects and re- 
turn thanks to mother and daughter within a 
week, for the honor and pleasure he has received 
from his lady-guests. The young ladies pay an 
early visit of thanks to the friend who so kindly 
chaperoned them at the late party. 

A less elaborate, but scarcely less formal, 
affair is the opera or theatre party which in- 
cludes only an after-supper. In this instance 
the host calls upon his anticipated guests, and, 
after receiving an acceptance of his invitation 
(which must also include a gentleman member 
of the family, or a near kinsman of the young 



122 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

lady), he leaves entrance-tickets for the proposed 
entertainment. The party meet in the box or 
boxes, where the matron selected awaits them 
with their host. 

After the theatre, the supper, which has been 
ordered in advance, is served to them at some 
fashionable resort, and the hour for returning 
home is decided upon by the matron of the 
evening. The host designates to each gentle- 
man the lady he is to conduct to the table. The 
supper is not uncommonly followed by a few 
dances, but this is less often a part of the festiv- 
ity at a restaurant parlor than when the bachelor 
receives his guests at the house of a friend. 

The latter style of opera or theatre party is 
by far the most popular of the time, and is, of 
course, less expensive and troublesome to both 
host and guests. The more elaborate formali- 
ties, as was suggested, are only provided by the 
very rich, and mothers of refined daughters do 
not encourage ostentation. The customs of 
these costly pleasures are furnished only because 
an account of the etiquette of New York would 
be incomplete without mentioning them. 



OPERA AND THEATRE PARTIES. 123 

In the least elaborate of the two forms, the 
young ladies are expected to be as rigorously 
attentive to the duty they owe to their chaperon as 
if there had been a ceremonious dinner; and the 
host will as carefully follow the proper formal- 
ities of calling early upon the families of each of 
his guests as if he had given a banquet instead 
of a supper. 

As club life among gentlemen tends more and 
more to postpone marriage, this method of en- 
tertaining is likely to increase in our city. Of 
course there is no objection to the custom of 
opera and theatre parties in their most refined 
forms and usages ; but an hotel dinner and supper 
lack the charm which domestic hospitality should 
hold for our highly-bred people. Of course this 
custom diminishes the care which entertaining 
is likely to bring to the dinner-giving host and 
hostess, and it does not greatly increase the ex- 
penses of canceling social obligations. Eight, 
ten, or twelve guests are the customary numbers 
invited to such a festivity, the smallness of the 
circle or coterie adding much to its delights. 

If these parties are given by a lady in her 



124 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

own home, the invitations are issued by informal 
written notes in her own name, and the dinner 
almost invariably precedes the public amuse- 
ment. After the opera or theatre, it is proper 
for her to invite her guests to a restaurant for a 
light refreshment, but she oftener than otherwise 
begs them to return to her own residence, where 
a dainty supper awaits them. A lady-guest may, 
however, excuse herself from this after-part of 
the hospitality if she pleases, and not give of- 
fense. Party calls follow in the usual manner. 

If private theatricals or music is to be a part 
or all of the entertainment at a gentleman's resi- 
dence, the word theatricals^ or musicale, is written 
upon the left lower part of the card of invitation. 
If the pleasure be accepted, a prompt attendance 
is compulsory. 

If dancing is to follow, the hour of its com- 
mencement is also mentioned. It may be writ- 
ten across the card of invitation in this wise : 

Theatricals at eight o'clock : dancing at eleven. 

If the company is desired to wear fancy 
dress, or be masked, the words fancy dress, or 



OPERA AND THEATRE PARTIES. 125 

bal masqu^ may be written at the usual left lower 
side. 

This announcement may be engraved if the 
party is to be an elaborate one, and its amuse- 
ments may be prominently stated in a line of 
their own, extending through the centre of the 
invitation. 

A character, or author's party, is one of our 
latest favorites. The name of the author from 
whom the characters are to be selected is en- 
graved or written upon the card of invitation. 
After the host and hostess's names, and the usual 
request, it is customary to add : 

In character from " Waver ley" 

or from any other author whose heroes and hero- 
ines are familiar to general society, such as 
Dickens, Bulwer, etc. Invitations to a charac- 
ter party should be issued from three to four 
weeks in advance, to give ample time for refresh- 
ing the memory and preparing costumes. If the 
courtesy be accepted, it is rude to appear at the 
party in any other than a fitting character and 
costume, according to the host's desire. 



XIII. 

ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 

However hostile the aggressively independ- 
ent American may be to conventionalities of all 
sorts, and deeply, as his scorn of etiquette may 
have been planted and rooted, and vigorous as 
may be its present growths, marriages cannot be 
conducted without at least some little ceremony. 
There are formalities which cannot be escaped 
at weddings. Even at that simplest of services, 
a marriage between Quakers, the witnesses are 
compelled to sit in silence — that most awful of 
conventionalities to the person who abhors eti- 
quette and ceremony — until one or the other of 
the two aspirants for a wedded life is moved by 
the spirit within to announce this intention 
audibly. 

The law enforces a ceremony, and the gently- 
bred have thrown about this unpicturesque but 
jurisprudential formality certain beautiful and 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 127 

refined customs, which, with harmonious varia- 
tions, have been adopted by, and into, our best 
society. As the dress of the youthful bride is 
white, an artistic variation of the fashion of it 
is admissible, and even agreeable, but no one 
would mistake it for a garment intended for 
another festivity. Etiquette has, in the same 
spirit of liberality, established a formula for the 
celebration of marriages, and each bridal pair 
endeavors to vary and beautify these ceremoni- 
als by an individual and poetic charm, without 
really departing from those customs which time 
and long establishment have made venerable 
and impressive. 

The announcement of an engagement of 
marriage has no rigid formality in New York, 
and yet a betrothal is made known to the friends 
of the promised pair in some pleasant manner. 
Sometimes a dinner-party is given by the family 
of the bride-elect, or it may be enjoyed at the 
home of the groom (when the bride and her 
immediate family must be present), and the host 
announces the agreeable intelligence just be- 
fore rising from the feast, when a general out- 



128 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

burst of good feeling and congratulation takes 
place. 

Good-natured gossip does the rest for the 
social circle of both the gentleman and lady 
most interested. Congratulations by note 
speedily follow, also the sending of flowers to 
the lady, calls, etc. 

Sometimes it is done by note from the mother 
of the bride, or from the bride herself to her 
very intimate friends. The groom does the 
same by his near and dear associates. Of course 
these notes receive immediate responses. 

Among families who entertain generously, 
dinner, or evening parties for dancing, or for 
opera-going, are given to the engaged couple by 
their friends, and the plighted pair appear to- 
gether and receive congratulations. 

The friends of the bride call upon her, or 
leave cards, and, as an announcement of an 
engagement is made at no great distance from 
the date fixed for the marriage, the bride does 
not pay ceremonious visits in the interval. It 
is customary, however, for her to leave her last 
visiting-card in person at the doors of her 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 129 

friends* residences at the time, or just before, 
her wedding invitations are distributed ; but she 
does not enter, except it be to visit an invalid or 
an aged lady. 

This last distribution of a proof of her re- 
membrance is almost like a memorial, because 
the bride will not again use the name of her 
own family. Consequently this call before mar- 
riage is one of strict etiquette, which she cannot 
well escape. 

Her wedding-cards are sent out at least ten 
days before the ceremony is to take place, and 
often much earlier. Invitations to remote places 
are forwarded sooner, so that parties who propose 
to be present can arrange to make the journey. 

The invitations to the marriage-ceremony 
are sent in the name of the bride's father and 
mother, or of one alone if one only be living. * 
If the bride stands in other relationship, like 
that of ward, niece, granddaughter, cousin, or 
simply friend, to the persons or person issuing 
the invitation, the fact of this relation is noted 
in the formula in place of the word "daughter. 

Accompanying the engraved note is a card 
9 



130 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

of invitation to the reception for such persons as 
are entitled to be bidden to partake of the fes- 
tivities of the occasion. Very handsome church 
weddings are often carefully guarded by the 
master of ceremonies, and no one can enter the 
church without showing cards of admission. 

As a place of worship, of course a church 
should be open to all ; but liberties which appear 
to be proper are not upon all occasions agree- 
able in their consequences. Without these tick- 
ets of admission, the gentleman in charge of the 
ceremonials could not distinguish the plainly- 
costumed friends and acquaintances of the 
bridal party from that eager and idle rabble 
which would otherwise crowd the church, just 
for the satisfaction of looking upon that never 
tiresome spectacle — two persons who have come 
together to show publicly that they fully believe 
they were created to enjoy each other's society 
for ever and ever. 

These tickets of admission are unwillingly 
used ; but experience in New York has proved 
that there are weddings at which they are an 
unpleasant necessity. 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS, 131 

One or more of these cards is also enclosed 
in the envelopes which cover the ceremonial 
invitation and the reception-card. They are 
intended for distribution to personal friends of 
the invited, and also for the use of servants who 
accompany guests to the church. 

Friends who wear mourning costumes usually 
enter the church by these cards, quietly and 
early, and hide themselves in the crowd to 
escape the eyes of the bridal pair. Pleasant 
omens are not suggested, by those who are sup- 
posed to be wise in these prophetic phenomena, 
by one coming to us dressed in crape. Hence 
this delicate custom among the sorrowing, of 
absenting themselves from the festal part of 
weddings, and also of making themselves invisi- 
ble to the marriage-party while they are pres- 
ent in church to join in the prayerful ceremony 
of the hour. 

Invitations to weddings are now engraved 
upon one sheet of paper, the separate cards of 
the bride and of the groom being seldom in 
use. The following form is preferred for the 
engraving, which is plain script. The paper is 



132 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

thick, fine, and shaped so as to fold once. If 
cipher, monogram, or crest of the bride's family 
be used upon the paper, it should not be printed 
in color for weddings, and the centre of the top 
of the page is the proper position for it. It is, 
however, considered elegant at present to place 
the monogram, cipher, or crest upon the enve- 
lope, and omit it from the note. 

MR. AND MRS. HOWARD MORTIMER 

request your presence 

at the marriage of their daughter, 

Miss Matilde Alice, 

to 

Mr. Alexis Stafford Carlton, 

on Tuesday morning, September tenth, 1878, 

at eleven o'clock. 

St. John's Cathedral, 

New York. 

(The word presence, instead of company, is 
rather the more dignified and impressive, but 
the latter is frequently used.) 

For such as are really friends of the party 
most interested in the marriage, another card is 
inclosed with the above. 



ETIQUETTE OE WEDDINGS. 133 

The following is the form of invitation to 
the reception : 

MR. AND MRS. HOWARD MORTIMER 
AT HOME, 
Tuesday morning, September tenth, 
. from half -past eleven until four o'clock. 

59 West Lombard Street. . 

The admission-card is narrow and long, and 
bears the following formula, neatly and plainly 
engraved in script : 

st. john's cathedral. 

Ceremony at eleven o'clock. 

The order of the religious part of the marriage- 
ceremony is fixed by the church in which it 
occurs; but there are pleasant picturesque ef- 
fects, and agreeable and significant surprises 
that may be added to the old-fashioned, staid 
regulations. These added attractions establish 
in the minds of those present a distinct remem- 
brance of an event that should always remain a 
pleasant memory. Refined taste and a careful 
arrangement and understanding of the details 



134 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

> 
of these things are a decided necessity, and of 

course rehearsals are required. 

The arrangement of the church pageant 
which is most admired at present, but which 
may be varied to please other conditions and 
other estimates of that which is agreeable, is the 
following : 

. First, the appointed master of ceremonies is 
expected to be present as soon as the church 
doors are opened, because the spectacle of an 
awning and carpet in front of any edifice is a 
signal that attracts the footsteps of many idlers 
of the street. He takes good care that the 
white ribbon which is stretched across the main 
aisle is placed far enough from the altar to pro- 
vide 'sufficient room for every invited guest, re- 
membering that ladies in full toilette require 
ample space. Sometimes an arch of flowers, 
mounted on wire-netting by the florist, is ar- 
ranged to divide those who wear the wedding 
garment from those who do not. The organist 
must be early at his post, with the list of compo- 
sitions which he is expected to play during the 
arrival of the audience. 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS, 135 

The bridemaids, and an equal number of ush- 
ers, are chosen from among the friends of both 
families. These ushers stand by the inner en- 
trance of the church, and offer their arms to 
escort the lady guests, as they enter, to their 
proper seats in the church. If a lady be accom- 
panied by a gentleman, he follows her to her 
seat. These ushers, knowing the two families, 
understand where to place the nearer and where 
the remoter kinspeople of the bridal party, the 
groom's friends being arranged upon the right 
of the entrance and the bride's upon the left. 
This distribution of guests places the father or 
guardian *of the bride at the proper place during 
the ceremony. 

After the service, the ushers act as cavaliers 
of the bridemaids at the reception. At a morn- 
ing wedding the groom and ushers wear dark 
frock coats and vests, with lighter pantaloons. 
Blue coats and vests, with light pantaloons, and 
indeed sometimes white vests, are fashionable, 
and selected by our gentlemen who admire the 
English style of dress at an early wedding. 
Gloves and neckties are light, but not white. A 



136 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

boutonniere is furnished to each usher from the 
bride's own flowers, and it serves instead of the 
old distinguishing bridal favor of white ribbon. 

The following is one of our recent formalities 
at church : 

When the bridal party has arranged itself for 
entrance, the ushers, in pairs, march slowly up 
to the altar and turn to the right, keeping step to 
the organ music. After a very slight interval the 
bridemaids follow in pairs and turn to the left. 

Another very brief interval of waiting, and 
the bride, escorted by her father, and entirely 
veiled, with her eyes cast down, follows her 
companions. The groom comes forward from 
the vestry-room to meet her, takes her hand, 
and places her at the altar. Both kneel for a 
moment's silent devotion. The parents stand 
just behind her, and slightly at the left. The 
service by the clergyman now proceeds as usual. 
All churches, at present, use the ring, and vary 
the sentiment of its adoption to suit the customs 
and ideas of their own rites. A jeweled ring 
has been for many years the sign and symbol 
of betrothal ; but, among people with German 






ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 137 

tastes, a plain gold circlet, with the date of the 
engagement inscribed within, is generally pre- 
ferred. This ring is sometimes removed by the 
groom at the altar, passed to the clergyman, and 
used in the ceremony as a wedding-ring. A 
jeweled ring is also placed upon her finger 
by the groom on the way home from the church, 
or as soon after the service as is convenient. 
It stands guard over its precious fellow, and is 
a confirmation of the first promise. This taste 
and practice are increasing. 

Those who adhere to the jewel as a symbol 
of betrothal are fastidious even to superstition 
in their effort to procure a flawless diamond. 
The stone may be small, but it must be perfect. 

The bridal veil may be thrown back from the 
face of the bride at the altar, by the groom, if 
he pleases ; but it is not now considered quite 
reverent or respectful for him to kiss her thus 
publicly, and certainly not for the officiating 
clergyman. It is seldom that the veil is raised 
at all in. the church. A delicate woman always 
rebels against the now disused formality of kiss- 
ing in the church, and it is pleasant to announce 



138 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

this habit as one of the obsolete customs of pub- 
lic marriages. 

As she passes out from the church the bride- 
maids follow slowly, each upon the arm of an 
usher, and they afterward hasten onward as 
speedily as possible to welcome the bride at her 
own door, and to arrange themselves about the 
bride and groom in the salon, half of the ladies 
upon her side and half upon his, the first bride- 
maid retaining the place of honor. The ushers, 
at the door of the salon, offer themselves as escorts 
to guests who arrive slowly from the church, con- 
ducting them singly to the bridal party, and there 
presenting them by name. This announcement 
becomes necessary when two families and two 
sets of friends are brought together for the first 
time. If ladies are present without gentlemen, 
the ushers are careful to accompany them to the 
breakfast or refreshment room, or provide them 
with attendants, after which the ladies can easily 
manage to be comfortable by themselves. 

The room for bridal presents is seldom 
thrown open to guests, and, if it is, the cards 
of the donors are detached, so that unpleasant 






ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS, 139 

contrasts of values cannot be made. Indeed, 
the universal bridal present has fallen into dis- 
use along with the universal funeral bouquet. 
It is not any more considered good breeding to 
talk about these contributions. Of course the 
bride acknowledges every gift that she receives 
by a note written with her own hand, but that is 
all. Whatever is presented on these occasions 
now takes the form of a compliment to the taste 
of the bride, or it is a practical contribution to 
the house she is about to establish. Gifts to the 
bride are generally marked with her maiden 
name or initials. 

It is proper here to state that the groom gen- 
erally gives scarf-pins, or something of the kind, 
to the ushers, and presents each of the bride- 
maids with some souvenir of this event. It may 
be a ring, enameled or jeweled ; a fan, a locket 
with cipher of the bride and groom combined 
upon it, or that of the lady herself, with minia- 
tures of the married pair inside of it. The bou- 
quet and floral decorations of the bridemaids' 
costumes, also the gloves, and not infrequently 
the entire dress, are presented by the bride. 



140 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

If the wedding occurs in the evening, the 
only difference between it and the ceremonials 
of the morning is, that the ushers or groomsmen 
wear full toilette, and the bridal pair retire qui- 
etly to dress for their journey and take their de- 
parture unobserved. At the morning wedding, 
only bridemaids, ushers, and relatives remain to 
witness the departure of the newly-wedded. 

It is not etiquette for any person to inquire 
where the honeymoon is to be spent, and nobody 
but the two most interested is supposed to know 
anything of their immediate plans. 

If the wedded pair commence life in a house 
of their own, it is customary to issue "At home" 
cards for a few mornings or evenings at no dis- 
tant date, unless the marriage occurs in early 
summer, when these informal receptions are de- 
layed until autumn. Only such- persons are in- 
vited as the young people choose to keep as 
friends, or perhaps only those whom they can 
afford to retain. It is an easy and sensible op- 
portunity for carefully rearranging one's social 
list, because there are limitations to hospitality 
which are frequently more necessary than agree- 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 141 

able. This list of old friends and acquaintances 
cannot be too seriously considered and sifted, and 
no moment is so favorable as at the beginning of 
housekeeping. This custom of arranging a fresh 
list is admitted as a social necessity, and nobody 
is offended. The omission of reception-cards is 
taken as a communicative and intelligent silence, 
which may cause regret, but it cannot give 
offense. It only declares that by marriage the 
new household has doubled the number of its 
kinspeople and friends by uniting two families. 
That is all. These reception-cards are neither 
large nor small, but fine in quality. A note may 
be used if preferred ; but the oerd is less osten- 
tatious and more convenient. The following is 
the accepted style : 

MR. AND MRS. ALEXIS STAFFORD CARLTON 
AT HOME, 

Tuesday evenings' in September, 
frofjt eight to eleven o'clock. 
39 Bradford Street. 

An elaborate table on these occasions is not 
considered in refined taste. The bride wears a 



142 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

reception toilette and the groom is in full even- 
ing dress. This form of card is also used if the 
marriage has been very quiet. 

In cases where the wedding has been private 
or informal, during the absence of the pair on 
their wedding-journey, the bride's family some- 
times issue an announcement of the marriage 
to all their friends and acquaintances. This 
card or note implies that the marriage was fully 
sanctioned by the parents, and it dignifies the 
ceremony in the estimation of its recipients. 

These notes are engraved, and in many in- 
stances they are prepared for distant friends who 
could not be present even at a grand wedding. 
Distance may make an invitation an absurdity. 
The form of this announcement is usually as 
follows, and it is sent in two envelopes, by post : 

MR. AND MRS. HOWARD MORTIMER 

announce the marriage of their daughter, 

Miss Matilde Alice, 

and 

Mr. Alexis Stafford Carlton, 

Tuesday, October tenth, 1878. 

No. 59 Lombard Street, New York. 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 143 

A note of congratulation is usually sent to 
the parents of the bride, and also to the bridal 
pair if the intimacy of the parties warrants it. 

If there has been no wedding reception, and 
a reception follows the return of the couple to 
town, even though the young people take pos- 
session of their own house, the mother of the 
bride usually gives one to them first. She sends 
out notes or large cards, engraved in the follow- 
ing manner : 

MRS. HOWARD MORTIMER. 

MRS. ALEXIS STAFFORD CARLTON. 

AT HOME, 

Tuesday y December ninth, 

from three until ten o'clock. 

59 West Lombard Street. 

If a reception be given only in the evening, 
the invitation will be issued in the names of 
Mr. and Mrs. Howard Mortimer, and a separate 
card will bear the names of Mr. and Mrs. Alexis 
Stafford Carlton. One envelope encloses both 
cards. 

It is permissible in cases where a marriage 



144 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

takes place during seasons of family mourning, 
or of a misfortune, to issue cards simply bearing 
the names of the married party, with new ad- 
dress, and another card enclosed, upon which is 
engraved the maiden name of the bride. 

The entry of the bridal party to the church 
may be varied to suit the taste, but care should 
be taken to avoid dramatic effects while endeav- 
oring to be picturesque and impressive. If the 
formality described in this chapter be followed, 
the parties adopting it will be certain to find 
precedents for their style among the highest 
social circles of New York. But there are timid 
brides, who prefer to adhere strictly to the 
fashion of their grandmothers, and gain content 
in the imitation of a long line of worthy exam- 
ples. In such cases the bridemaids first pass up 
the aisle, each with a gentleman on whom to 
lean; they turn at the altar, the ladies going 
to their left and the gentlemen to their right, 
and the groom follows, bearing his destined 
mother-in-law on his arm. This lady he seats, 
as speedily as politeness permits, in a convenient 
front pew at his left. The bride follows, cling- 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 145 

ing to the arm of her father ; or, if she be or- 
phaned, her next-of-kin supports her on her way 
to her expectant groom. At her left, and just a 
step or two back of her, her father waits until 
asked to give her away, which he does by taking 
her right hand and placing it in that of the cler- 
gyman. After this brief but important formality, 
he joins the lady who entered with the groom 
and becomes her escort. The father and mother 
pass out of the church just behind the bridal 
company. 

In England there is seldom more than one 
groomsman, and he is called the "best man." 
He attends the pair as if he were an exalted valet. 

In America, if there are no bridemaids, the 
ushers walk into church in pairs, just in advance 
of the groom, and, parting at the altar, half 
stand at one side and half at the other. While 
the clergyman is congratulating the bride they 
become pairs again. 

Among the bright and pleasant variations to 

the solemn pomp of a church wedding which 

etiquette heartily approves, although it does not 

prescribe it, is the strewing of flowers in the 

10 



146 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

path of the young couple as they go away from 
the altar. Little girls, costumed in white rai- 
ment, with baskets of blossoms, rise up, like un- 
suspected fairies, while the clergyman is congrat- 
ulating the bride, and slowly drop roses down 
the aisle to the carriage. Sometimes garlands of 
flowers, that have been somewhere hidden, are 
suddenly seen stretched across the aisle at brief 
intervals, by little maidens who stand on the 
seats at the ends of the pews, and lift their 
pretty arms high in air to swing their roses over 
the pathway of the bridal party. 

Sometimes, instead of garlands, they toss 
rose-leaves in crimson, gold, and white from the 
same high positions, all over the outgoing pro- 
cession. Many other devices, fanciful and 
charming, may be added to the brief brightness 
of the moment. 

Weddings at home vary but little from those 
at church. The music, the assembling of the 
friends, and the descent of the bridal party and 
their entree to the position selected, are just the 
same. An altar of flowers and a place for kneel- 
ing can be easily arranged at home. The space 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 147 

behind the altar need be no wider than is re- 
quired for the clergyman to stand. It is gener- 
ally only a high fender or railing, entirely con- 
cealed by foliage and blossoms. Whatever other 
floral accessories are desired, such as the mar- 
riage-bell, horse-shoe, or a white dove, can be 
arranged with ease by a skilled florist. 

When the marriage-ceremony is concluded, 
the party turn in their places, and fat:e their 
friends, who wait to congratulate them. If 
space be of importance, the kneeling-stool, and 
even the floral altar, may be removed a little 
later, without observation. The latter, however, 
is usually pushed back against the wall, and 
adds to the decorative part of the festivity. 

Calls or card-leaving, by all the guests, upon 
the family of the bride, is a rigorous formality 
within ten days after the wedding. 

The marriage ceremonies of widows differ 
only in the not wearing of a veil and the orange- 
blossoms. She may be costumed in white, and 
have her maids at the altar, if she pleases. This 
liberty has been given to her only within a few 
years, and refined taste will determine her in 



148 SOCIAL E TIQ UE TTE. 

these matters. On her wedding-cards of invita- 
tion her maiden name is used as a part of her 
proper name ; this is but respect to her parents. 
Having dropped the initials of her deceased 
husband when she lays aside her crapes, she 
uses her own Christian name. If she have sons, 
or unmarried daughters, at the time she becomes 
again a wife, she prefixes the last name of her 
children* to her new one, on all ceremonious oc- 
casions in which they are interested in common 
with herself. This respect is really due to them, 
and etiquette permits it, although our social 
usages do not imperatively command its adop- 
tion. 

Of course, the formalities which follow the 
marriage of a widow can seldom be regulated 
in the same manner as those of a younger bride. 
Circumstances must control the entertainments 
which follow the marriage of a widow, and no 
fixed forms can be arranged for them. A quiet 
taste and refined sentiments are the best regu- 
lators of these civilities. 



XIV. 

CHRISTENINGS AND BIRTHDAYS. 

Once upon a time the naming of the heir 
was considered the most important of all family 
celebrations until the day arrived when this 
young gentleman attained his majority. The 
daughter, not being entitled to much considera- 
tion in those days, seldom received her christen- 
ing with public ostentation, and there were few 
expressions of delightful hope upon such occa- 
sions which were worth recording in history. 

The dissenting churches, however, succeeded 
in reorganizing the forms of christenings among 
themselves, and their sentiments and usages 
eventually modified the ceremonies that were 
habitual to the established creed. 

They transformed the old christening cus- 
toms from a secular high festival of feasting and 
merriment to a profoundly religious formality, in 
which austerity was its most noticeable feature. 



150 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

They selected this occasion, of providing names 
both for sons and daughters," as a fitting time for 
solemnly dedicating the futures of their offspring 
to the services of their own faith. This religious 
ceremony of naming the child, and at the same 
time consecrating it to a fixed form of faith, has 
been greatly and sensibly varied within the last 
quarter of a century among almost all our peo- 
ple. 

The religious portion of this ceremony, in its 
extreme or severe services, has been pleasantly 
formulated so that participators in the celebra- 
tion of christening may feel glad at the same 
time that they are reverential and grateful. In- 
deed, there is as wide a difference between the 
present sentiments and convictions which direct 
this ordinance of christening our children as 
there is between the former and the present 
methods of spending the first day of the week. 

Our Puritan fathers and mothers beautified 
none of their religious customs ; but their de- 
scendants have drifted, little by little, away from 
under the shadow of religious severities, and we 
have not only ordained for ourselves less rigid 



CHRISTENINGS AND BIRTHDAYS. 151 

usages, but we have acquired sweeter sentiments, 
tenderer and nobler estimates of duty, and more 
ennobling customs for christening the little folk, 
who cannot fetch their names into this world 
along with them. 

These latter-day celebrations include or com- 
bine such social and religious forms as cannot, 
in the slightest degree, dull our perceptions of 
the highest duty which we owe to the little 
shapeless white soul that has come to us for 
guidance and development. Nor has the charm 
of a beautified religious custom lowered our 
standard of Christian conduct. 

Almost all the old barbarities and inhuman- 
ities of worship are rapidly fading out of the 
world, even among the pagans. Indeed, it is 
said that there is less of that grosser servitude 
which long custom has failed to make satisfying 
to the most ignorant of people, and abhorrent 
practices are becoming obsolete, even in heathen 
lands. 

Somebody who is both wise and good lately 
said that the " Gates of Prosperity " were the 
widest of all the entrances to heaven, as has 



152 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

been proven by the records of Christian charac- 
ters, and that the sweeter and more beautiful 
the social observances of a religion, the more 
profoundly devout was the believing household. 
Indeed, it would be difficult at present to estab- 
lish a general belief that the consecration of a 
little child to a noble life was less sincere be- 
cause the vow of watchful obligation was made 
in the presence of many friends, where flowers 
bloomed, aromas made the thin air deliciously 
sweet, and harmonious music drifted through 
the thoughts of the child's parents and sponsors 
during the sacred hour of consecration. In- 
deed, such fair surroundings enrich the moment 
with an abiding benediction. They possess a 
power of following one with a white wake of 
hallowed memories that compel us to keep our 
promised watch over the child. 

That the christening ceremonials among our 
superior citizens are becoming more and more 
beautiful each year in New York, even our sour- 
est ascetics admit with scarcely a word of dis- 
approval. 

The formality which is most in favor is the 



CHRISTENINGS AND BIRTHDA YS. 153 

giving of a reception ; the hours are fixed from 
three or four o'clock until six p. m. It is equally 
proper to write the invitations, or to order them 
engraved in script. 

The engraved form is scarcely varied from 
the following: 

MR. AND MRS. JAMES XLDRICH 

request the honor of your presence at the 

christening ceremony of their son [or daughter] 

at five o'clock, Thursday \ January tenth. 

Reception fro?n four to six o'clock. 

No. 101 St. James Street. 

This card receives an early response. The 
only difference between a written and an en- 
graved note is in a less formal distribution of 
the language upon the note or card when the 
pen is used. 

Flowers ornament the house tastefully and 
possibly elaborately. This decoration is sub- 
ject to the season, and the ability to secure 
these pretty symbols of purity and sweetness. 
The guests all arrive in reception or visiting toi- 
lets, before five o'clock, and meet the host and 
hostess just as they would at any reception. 



154 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

Sometimes there is a band of music, but often- 
er there are a pianist and a quartette of singers, 
the musicians, more than likely, being selected 
from among the friends or kinspeople of the 
child. Sometimes professional musicians are 
employed. There is a temporary font arranged 
in a prominent position in the room. A small 
round table or pedestal is chosen, and upon its 
centre is placed a silver goblet or bowl, or one 
of glass. The edge of the pedestal is often hung 
with vines suspended from its outer edge, so that 
the support of the baptismal vessel is hidden 
entirely. Smilax is beautiful and convenient 
for a deep fringe to a table. The top of this 
pedestal or table is built up to the rim of the 
bowl with white flowers, the lower row often 
being calla lilies laid with their points turned 
outward and downward, and other blossoms and 
foliage are arranged above them until the rim of 
the vessel is overlapped with bloom. Above this 
is sometimes suspended, by a thread, a white 
dove, with its wings outspread. This dove can 
be procured of a taxidermist or of a florist. If 
it is made of wire and fine white blossoms it is 






CHRISTENINGS AND BIRTHDAYS. 155 

pretty, but the real dove is much more effective 
and beautiful. 

At five o'clock the child is brought to the 
parents, who stand by the font, and the sponsors 
join them. If it be a girl, its selected guardians 
are usually two young ladies, who are dressed in 
white, and who arrange themselves one at each 
side of the father and mother, and a hymn or 
chant is sung. The clergyman goes through the 
rite of christening, according to the formalities 
of his own established church ; more music fol- 
lows, and then a benediction. Directly after 
this, congratulations are offered to the father 
and mother, and the child is admired and petted, 
or it is removed to its own apartment, according 
to its desire or aversion to society. Refresh- 
ments are offered as at any afternoon entertain- 
ment, and they are usually of a richer quality 
than are provided at a very informal reception. 
Of course this pleasant custom is varied accord- 
ing to the poetic or artistic fancies of the house- 
hold, but it is always beautiful and cheerful, and 
yet it is a sincere consecration. 

The birthdays of children are being cele- 



156 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

brated in New York more and more after the 
customs of Europeans. These waymarks in the 
lives of children are made pleasant remem- 
brances to them. A little feast is made for the 
child, to which its playmates are invited, but the 
invitations seldom extend beyond a number that 
may be seated at table, where they are not over- 
shadowed by larger eaters. 

The feast is dainty and plentiful, but not 
hurtfully rich, and its especial characteristic is a 
cake in which are imbedded as many fancy wax- 
candles as are the years of the young person in 
whose honor the party is given. These candles 
are placed in little tin tubes and sunken near 
the outer edge of the cake, or they may be 
placed in a rim which is arranged about it. 
They are already lighted when the young people 
are invited into the banqueting apartment. 

After the food is eaten, the one who is cele- 
brating a birthday cuts the cake, if he or she is 
old and strong enough for such pleasant duty, 
and a piece of it is given to each guest. Plays 
or dances follow the supper. Guests are not 
expected to make presents. Indeed, with the 






CHRISTENINGS AND BIRTHDA VS. 157 

exception of a book, or a bunch of flowers, con- 
tributions would give pain rather than pleasure 
to the mother of the little host or hostess. 

These little celebrations continue annually 
until the child is old enough to enter society. 
Even if the family be in mourning, a birthday 
is not forgotten, although the festival may be 
less gay than usual. 

Among the elders of a household this annual 
return of the birthday is seldom celebrated in 
the presence of any persons except his or her 
own kinspeople. The twenty-first birthday of a 
gentleman is often made an occasion for extend- 
ing hospitalities in the form of a dinner, a party, 
or a ball, but a lady's age is not thus publicly 
noticed, for obvious but absurd social reasons. 
After the lady or gentleman becomes astonish- 
ingly old, and they feel proud of their longevity, 
the most beautiful attentions are often bestowed 
upon them by their young friends, and also by 
those who were the companions of their youth. 
Flowers, letters of congratulation, cards of in- 
quiry and respect, gifts that will interest, break- 
fast or dinner parties, and receptions, are con- 



158 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE, 

sidered in " good form," as the English express 
an act which is properly performed. 

There are few vigorous people who care to 
emphasize the fact that they are passing still 
another annual milestone, until they have really 
reached and entered upon the late afternoon of 
life, and are feeling the sweet twilight of calm 
falling like a blessing upon them. It is this ear- 
lier unwillingness to watch and count the years 
as they go by that has led to the giving up of 
birthday celebrations in the presence of one's 
acquaintances during that active interval which 
comes in between youth and old age. 

Even a remembrance of this anniversary in 
one's own household is oftenest recalled only by 
" a gift without words," rather than by a spoken 
congratulation. 



XV. 

MARRIAGE ANNIVERSARIES. 

A noticeable entertainment upon each an- 
nual return of marriage days is a custom in but 
few of our best families. In the limited circle 
of the fireside, however, the day is usually 
marked by expressions of good-will, and the 
bestowal of gifts between husband and wife, and 
also from children and their parents ; but this is 
all. 

After the passing of a certain number of 
years, which are marked off into epochs by sev- 
eral distinguishing but fanciful names, many. of 
our households celebrate the anniversaries of 
their marriage by extended hospitalities. Of 
course, elderly people feel and manifest their 
joy by graver or more dignified formalities in 
their entertainments than is expected of younger 
husbands and wives, the latter often providing 
merriment of a fanciful kind. Not that any of 



160 



SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 



these anniversaries are emphasized in our high- 
er circles "upon the contribution plan," as a 
cynical writer upon our social customs has most 
aptly styled that sort of hospitality which inti- 
mates by the form of its invitations that presents 
are expected. To offer a souvenir to a bride is a 
pleasant method of expressing to her our good 
wishes, but to contribute to the sustainment of 
her after house-furnishing is quite another affair. 
As a custom, begging is unknown to the superior 
entertainers of New York. 

The marriage anniversary which falls after 
five years is sometimes called " a wooden wed- 
ding ; " after ten years, it is mentioned as " tin; " 
after twenty, it is " crystal ; " at twenty-five, it is 
" silver; " at fifty, it is a " golden anniversary; " 
and at sixty, the " diamond wedding " occurs. 

Those who have lived together in contented 
wedlock twenty-five years are usually glad 
enough to express their happiness in some em- 
phatic manner, and also to beg the recognition 
of this event by their friends and acquaintances. 

Our most self-respecting households who de- 
sire to celebrate a return of their wedding-day 



MARRIAGE ANNIVERSARIES. 161 

are compelled, through their delicacy of feeling, 
to relinquish a general gala entertainment, or 
else to make an announcement upon their cards 
of invitation of their private sentiments in the 
matter of a miscellaneous gift-making. Just 
now we are passing through an unpleasant social 
transition, and we hope soon to have attained a 
higher civilization in this particular ; these ap- 
parently compulsory contributions upon certain 
occasions, either glad or sorrowful, will have 
fallen into disuse. 

It is no more agreeable to the entertainer to 
be compelled, in self-defense, to direct that " no 
gifts received " be engraved upon cards of invi- 
tation to a party than it is to add R. S. V. P., 
which four consonants unpleasantly suggest that 
there may be a lack of familiarity with polite 
usages on the part of those who are bidden to 
an entertainment. Without doubt we shall soon 
pass the " donation period " in our social cus- 
toms, and a gift will become what it really should 
be, significant of something superior to a mean- 
ingless habit. 

Of course, very near kinspeople and very 
ii 



162 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

dear old friends will take the liberty sometimes 
of disregarding the engraved injunction, just as 
such valued individuals indulge themselves in 
familiarities with the rules that usually govern 
one's private social affairs. But if remoter rela- 
tives or mere society acquaintances send a gift 
other than flowers or a book, after being re- 
quested to restrict their generosity, they need 
not be surprised if the act be considered an 
impertinence, and resented accordingly. The 
value of a gift has come to be measured, by per- 
sons of delicacy, by the motive which prompted 
its bestowal, and there is a decidedly serious 
effort being made by our refined and influential 
leaders of society to escape from an unpleasant- 
ness that may be suffered equally by the giver 
and the receiver of formal presents. 

People of superior breeding regard anniver- 
sary contributions to their household effects with 
distress, if not with aversion, and such gifts, if 
not presented by those who possess a natural 
right to make such bestowals, are likely to be 
returned to their donors. 

When this custom of seli-respecting inde- 



MARRIAGE ANNIVERSARIES. 163 

pendence of material favors is fully established 
in our higher circles, society will be pitched at 
least an octave above its late key-note. Indeed, 
there are not a few married people who refrain 
from asking their friends and acquaintances to 
participate in their rejoicing upon anniversary 
days, through fear of being considered willing to 
receive gifts from those whom they desire only 
to be merry with. Doubtless it is for this reason 
that fashion has frowned upon the grotesquerie 
of cards of wood, tin, etc., which were popular 
only a few years since as notifications to a guest 
of the occasion which suggested a festivity. 

The prevailing style of cards of invitation to 
an anniversary party or reception is just the 
same as to any ordinary entertainment. A wed- 
ding-bell, or a horseshoe of white flowers, with 
the date of the marriage wrought into it with 
colored blossoms, or a bride's loaf dated by con- 
fections, and placed upon a separate table of 
honor, informs the guests of the reason for re- 
joicing, after their arrival, when congratulations 
follow as a matter of course. 

When a quarter of a century of married life is 



164 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

to be celebrated, it is customary to mention the 
fact upon the cards, and the much-needed infor- 
mation, no gifts received, is placed in the left-hand 
lower corner. The formula of the invitation is 
in the following style, clearly engraved in script: 

MR. AND MRS. JOHN WINTHROP 

request the pleasure of your presence 

on Monday evenings January ninth, at eight dclock % 

to celebrate the 

twenty-fifth anniversary of their marriage. 

No. 22 Adams Street. 
No gifts received. 

In responding to this invitation, either to 
accept or decline the hospitable civility, cour- 
teous congratulations are added in any graceful 
style which an acquaintance with the givers of 
the entertainment may suggest. A too familiar 
and over-cordial note of response is almost as 
offensive as one which expresses no interest at 
all in the parties, who have been wedded com- 
panions through so many years. There is a 
happy medium to the formalities of even kindly 
wishes. It is not unnatural to suspect an ac- 



MARRIAGE ANNIVERSARIES. 165 

quaintance of insincerity when excesses of lan- 
guage are used in society matters. 

When such an impressive anniversary has 
arrived, it is customary for the host and hostess 
to secure as many guests as possible from among 
those who were present at their wedding. The 
clergyman who performed the ceremony is bid- 
den, and, if possible, the wedding-garments are 
again worn upon the occasion. The clergyman 
returns thanks for the prolonged life of the pair, 
and such other interesting formalities are added 
as will make the occasion impressive, without 
being oppressive. 

After the clergyman has completed his part 
of the ceremony (provided his presence has been 
secured), the near kinspeople offer congratula- 
tions first, when other guests follow after the 
manner of a wedding reception. When a formal 
supper is provided, the host and hostess lead 
together upon this peculiar occasion, and the 
guests follow in convenient order, as at an ordi- 
nary party. 

If the supper be arranged in buffet style, the 
bride and groom retain their positions during 



r lQUETTl 



the entire evening, except there be dancing, 
when they frequently lead the first set, which is 
usually a cotillon upon such anniversaries. The 
guests seek the buffet or table for refreshments 
whenever it suits their pleasure, and take leave 
before midnight, after having expressed parting 
wishes for many more years of health and glad- 
ness to their entertainers. After-calls of formal- 
ity are expected as a matter of course. 

There are many beautiful and suggestive 
decorations possible upon such an occasion. 
Sometimes all the floral ornaments in the house 
are fully -blossoming roses and ivy, or rich foli- 
age and no bloom. Among the loveliest and 
most suggestive of house decorations for a 
golden wedding anniversary are groups of palms 
and gracefully drooping heads of wheat, tied up 
in small sheaves. Garlands of laurel and au- 
tumnal foliage are also both charming and 
pleasantly significant of the afternoon of a 
happy life. 



XVI. 

NEW-YEAR'S-DAY IN NEW YORK. 

A general and cordial reception of gentle- 
men guests upon the first day of the year, by the 
ladies of almost every household, also by clergy- 
men, and by gentlemen upon the first New-Years'- 
Day after marriage, is a Knickerbocker custom 
which prevailed in New York, with scarce any 
innovations, until within the last ten years. It 
was once a day when all gentlemen offered con- 
gratulations to each of their lady acquaintances, 
and even employ is of a gentleman were permitted 
to pay their respects, and to eat and drink with 
the ladies of his household. Hospitalities were 
then lavishly offered and as lavishly received. 

This custom began when the city was small, 
but it has now quite outgrown those possibilities 
which the original usages of the day could com- 
pass without difficulty. Beside, there came a 
time when this excessive social freedom was 



168 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

proportionate to our over-large political liberties, 
therefore, our hospitalities were narrowed down 
to a lady's own circle of acquaintances. Even 
this boundary in many instances widened to so 
extended a circumference that not a few of our 
kindliest and most hospitable of ladies have 
been compelled either to close their doors upon 
this day of hand-shaking, eating, and drinking, 
or else to issue cards of welcome to as many of 
their gentlemen acquaintances as they can enter- 
tain in a single day. 

Not many ladies in New York are, however, 
placed upon such heights of popularity as to 
make this limitation a genuine necessity, and 
others may choose to receive congratulations 
upon New-Year's-Day only from relatives and 
intimate friends. Some ladies who are unable 
to endure the fatigue of an all-day reception, or 
who have other engagements, also issue cards to 
their gentlemen friends, with the hours which 
will be given to hospitality on New-Year's-Day 
engraved or written upon them. 

Ladies who receive in a general way whoever 
choose to call upon them are now almost certain 



NE W- YEAR 'S-DA Y IN NE W YORK. 169 

that the old-time crowds which thronged all 
open doors a decade ago will no longer intrude 
upon those from whom they are uncertain even 
of a recognition. " A man's a man for a* that " 
was the sentiment which once prevailed in New 
York at New-Year's time ; but, to be considered 
a man of to-day, he must be well-bred and un- 
obtrusive, even during this gala season. Indeed, 
he must be a gentleman. Besides that, he must 
have received some unmistakable intimation 
that his congratulatory visit at this time will be 
agreeable to the ladies of a household, before he 
ventures upon a visit. He may be assured of a 
welcome by the fact that the ladies of his own 
household interchange civilities with the family 
whose name he places upon his visiting-list. He 
may also know it by an unmistakable gracious- 
ness on the part of the lady or ladies when he 
has met them in society. 

There are many ways of understanding these 
things, but a stranger in New York now no 
longer waits for this single blessed day as the 
one that is certain to see doors open to him, 
which, uninvited, he desires to enter. If he 



170 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

should depend upon the old Knickerbocker 
privilege of a universal welcome at New-Year's, 
more than likely he will not fail of his anticipa- 
tions, but he need not be surprised if his host- 
esses consider him again a stranger the moment 
he has left them. 

Those who entertain elaborately upon New- 
Year's-Day sometimes send -out cards of invita- 
tion in the name of the hostess. They are hand- 
somely engraved, and inclosed in a single enve- 
lope. If a daughter or daughters receive with 
her, Miss Blank or Misses Blank is engraved be- 
neath her own name. If other ladies than her 
daughters also receive with her, their visiting- 
card may be inclosed in the same envelope with 
the hostess's invitation. Should the lady-guest 
invite her own personal friends to meet her at 
the residence of her hostess for this day, she 
writes the number of the residence where she is 
to receive on New- Year's upon her own card, 
adding the receiving hours in ink, and she in- 
closes the visiting-card of her hostess. 

The invitation of the hostess is engraved in 
the following form : 



NE W- YEAR y S-DA Y IN NEW YORK. 171 

MRS. CASHILL LEROY, 
AT HOME, 

January firsts from one until ten o'clock. 

No. 75 Great Thomas Street. 

The hostess and other ladies are in full 
toilets, and the house is lighted as if it were 
evening. A table is spread, as if for an ordinary 
reception or party, in the back parlor or dining- 
room. A servant opens the street-door without 
waiting for the sound- of the bell. The gentle- 
men leave their cards in the hall. They enter 
the drawing-room with hat in hand, or they may 
leave it in the hall with overcoat and cane. If 
their visits are made without a carriage, this dis- 
position of their outer garment is usually a ne- 
cessary safeguard to health. Ladies in full cos- 
tume require the atmosphere of their drawing- 
rooms to be kept at heights which are intolerable 
to visitors wearing heavy outer coats. 

Ladies rise to receive their guests ; but if the 
apartment be not crowded it is not improper to 
be seated. The hostess offers her hand to her 
guest when he enters, and, after an interchange 
of friendly wishes, he is presented to her lady- 



172 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

friends, to whom he bows and wishes a happy- 
year ; but it is not expected that the young or 
unfamiliar ladies will extend their hands to him. 
If the visitor has been invited by a guest of the 
hostess, the latter meets him with the same cor- 
diality as if he were her own friend. The sa- 
credness of hospitality demands this from her, 
both for her own and her friend's sake, no mat- 
ter how indifferent she may be to the caller. 

When the sentiments usual to the season have 
been expressed, a servant offers him coffee or 
other refreshments, provided the rooms be not 
crowded, in which case he may seek the table 
without invitation if he desires food. Perhaps 
one of the lady entertainers, who wishes to be 
especially attentive, may accompany him to the 
feasting-room, even if she be obliged to return 
to her place directly to receive other incoming 
guests. A servant will supply his wants ; but, 
whether he eats or declines refreshment, his visit 
must be very brief, not to exceed five or ten 
minutes. Three minutes is the utmost limit 
some of bur fashionable gentlemen allow them- 
selves at one residence. If he has visited the 



NE W- YEAR 'S-DA Y IN NEW YORK. 173 

refreshment-room, he may retire from the house 
without interrupting his hostess, provided she be 
occupied with later visitors. In any event, even 
if she be not very deeply engrossed, he need 
only bow to each lady as he passes out from 
their presence. 

The lady who receives her New- Year's callers 
less formally may write, " January i " upon her 
visiting-card, and send it to such of her gentle- 
men acquaintances as she may like to see upon 
the first day of the year. If she thus intimates 
her desire for visitors, she must provide some 
refreshment to offer to them ; but it need not be 
an elaborate entertainment. She may wear a 
visiting costume with light gloves, but she need 
not turn on the gas, because informal receptions 
are held in daylight. If she does not mention 
upon her card the hours for receiving, it is eti- 
quette for a gentleman to call at any time be- 
tween twelve m. and ten o'clock in the even- 
ing. 

The formalities between hostess and guest 
are the same as if the reception were held 
in grand toilet. The lady who does not issue 



174 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

cards, but graciously receives whatever gentle- 
men acquaintances choose to visit her upon this 
day, appears as she would upon any " at home " 
afternoon in the year. She dresses in visiting 
toilette, wears light gloves, and she may, or she 
may not, have provided a table of refreshments 
for her uninvited, but still most welcome guests. 
She is ready to receive by twelve o'clock, unless 
she intends to decline visitors altogether, when 
she usually suspends a basket from the door- 
handle as a receptacle for the cards of those 
who would gladly have paid their respects to her 
during this initial day of the new year. 

Many gentlemen in New York who cannot 
visit at this time inclose their visiting-cards in 
envelopes, and send them by messengers to their 
lady friends on the morning of New-Year's, or 
by post the day before. Others drive from door 
to door and leave their cards in person, the 
right-hand side being folded over to assure their 
lady acquaintances that they did not trust this 
courtesy to the care of a servant. A gentleman 
leaves as many cards as there are ladies who are 
"old enough to receive visitors ; and, if there be a 



NE W- YEAR 'S-DA Y IN NEW YORK. 175 

clergyman or an invalid gentleman in the family, 
he writes over his own name upon a separate card : 

For Mr. Samuel Forbes. 

It is a delicate politeness for a gentleman to 
leave this token of kindly remembrance and re- 
spect for such individuals, even if there are no 
ladies in the same house to whom he owes a 
similar civility upon New-YearVDay. 

The quality, quantity, and costliness of the 
table appointments and of its supplies on New- 
Year's-Day at present fall far short of our old- 
fashioned lavishness. Things which are delicate 
to the taste and attractive to the eyes are in 
higher favor than more substantial food, and with 
very excellent reason. A gentleman who spends 
from six to ten hours in paying flying visits, each . 
one as brief as he can well make it, cannot eat 
and drink at each residence that he enters, even 
if he desires to do so, which, of course, he does 
not, but the " breaking of bread and the eating of 
salt " in many homes, just for the significance of 
the formality, requires that he partake lightly and 
of light food wherever he lingers for refreshment. 



176 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

Many gentlemen, even among those who 
take wine ordinarily, refuse it upon this day, 
because they do not like to accept it at the hand 
of one lady and refuse it from that of another. 
Again, many ladies, from whose daily tables the 
glitter of wine-glasses is never absent, do not 
supply this drink to their guests upon this day, 
because it is dangerous for their acquaintances 
to partake of varied vintages, the more specially 
while passing in and out from Qver-heated draw- 
ing-rooms. De.licacies, coffee, chocolate, tea, and 
bouillon, are supplied in their places, whether the 
wines be withheld by kindly considerateness, or 
through conscientious scruples. 

Gentlemen should wear a morning costume 
of dark coat and vest, with lighter pantaloons, 
when they pay New- Year's calls. It is not un- 
common to see dress-suits, but the taste is ques- 
tionable, dress-suits never being strictly correct 
until evening. Gloves, while they may be light 
in tint, should never be white. Medium tints in 
scarfs and gloves are in taste upon these occa- 
sions. 



A 



XVII. 

FUNERAL CUSTOMS AND SEASONS OF MOURNING. 

A few years ago and a portion of this chap- 
ter could not have been written. The etiquette 
which carried formal people through the old 
ordeals of bereavement by death was invariably 
the same among all classes of society from one 
end of our land to the other. The very mo- 
notony of expression which grief felt compelled 
to assume, in order to be respectable, was one of 
its least endurable qualities. We all knew that, 
whenever one of our kinspeople departed from 
us, there were just such and such processes of 
systematic attentions to be performed over his 
remains, and just such quality and quantity of 
solemnity was to be thrown about the conduct 
of our lives for a certain length of time. It was 
all settled by custom. 

We knew that whatever agony we suffered, 
much of our distress must be endured in the 

12 



178 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

presence of auditors, and that all the offices of 
kindliness which it was possible to bestow upon 
the beloved dead must be performed by the 
hands of neighbors or hirelings. Among such 
liberties as are enumerated with thankful pride, 
the freedom of mourning for our dead, and of 
caring for their inanimate forms according to 
the suggestions of our affection, could not be 
counted. 

A transformation in funeral services came 
about, but just how it happened nobody knows. 
There is at present really no strict etiquette for 
the conduct of burials in New York. Of course 
the religious services performed over the dead 
are more or less under the influence of the 
Church to which the officiating clergyman be- 
longs, but the usages of burial are no longer 
guided and controlled by any fixed set of regu- 
lations. 

The arranging and composing of the person 
of the departed has ceased to be a stereotyped 
crossing of the palms upon the breast and a rigid 
upturning of the face. Natural and easy posi- 
tions of the hands, with the features in partial 






FUNERAL CUSTOMS, ETC. 179 

profile, have become customary and more agree- 
able. The clothing is almost always the same 
as that worn in life. For the young, festal cos- 
tumes are often selected ; and happily the ap- 
palling shroud and winding-sheet belong to the 
dreary legends of the past. 

It is not uncommon for the soulless body to 
be neatly attired, as if it were a semi-invalid 
who had fallen asleep upon a sofa. It is ten- 
derly pillowed and luxuriously draped. Friends 
take their last look upon the quiet face, and 
there is at least one throb of pain the less be- 
cause of the absence of a coffin. 

The apartment is often made to wear a 
cheery aspect by the presence of bright and 
sweet flowers, which are chosen and arranged 
with a taste from which ostentatious lavishness 
is excluded. Pallid blossoms are not chosen by 
all who have been bereaved. Religious services 
are frequently performed while the deceased is 
still lying uncoffined, and the burial takes place 
at any subsequent time which is convenient to 
the survivors. This satisfactory arrangement 
has led to less public interments, because under 



180 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

such circumstances none but immediate kins- 
people follow the hearse to the cemetery. 

It is not uncommon for only the male rela- 
tions of the deceased to be present at the inter- 
ment, but etiquette fixes no rule for these things. 
Individual inclination determines the form of 
such sad offices. 

So lavish have been the offerings of flowers 
that were wrought into unnatural forms, and 
dedicated by their letterings to absurd uses, that 
many families beg, through a public card which 
accompanies the funeral notice, that no friends 
will contribute flowers. Not that they are ban- 
ished utterly, but they are delicately selected, 
and a sentiment of reserve rather than ostenta- 
tion is expressed by their selection and arrange- 
ment. 

Sometimes a tiny sheaf of ripened wheat is 
laid with a palm branch upon the coffin, or by 
the side of the venerable dead. A wreath of 
bay-leaves is chosen for the one whose loss is a 
public calamity ; white lilies and willow branches, 
or a garland of poppies, for the long-suffering, 
are satisfying ; but pillows of wire-fettered carna- 



FUNERAL CUSTOMS, ETC, 181 

tions and harps of rosebuds are becoming less 
and less attractive to individuals of refined taste. 
These costly and ungraceful contributions, with 
the cards of their donors attached, for news- 
gatherers to copy and to publish, are not among 
the refined accessories of a funeral among our 
superior people. 

A bunch of fragrant blossoms upon the bo- 
som of the dead, flowers selected with an appro- 
priateness to the circumstances, age, or senti- 
ments of the soulless sleeper, are always' an 
agreeable and suggestive attention ; but flowers 
tied into forms, or in any excess, are no longer 
considered refined or desirable. 

The old custom of sitting by the dead, during 
the long solemn nights that come in between 
death and burial, has also passed away, except 
where the remains require attention. It is a 
sleep that needs no guarding under ordinary 
circumstances. 

For the funeral of either a lady or gentleman, 
six or eight friends are chosen from the imme- 
diate circle of the deceased, to act as " bearers 
of the pall,' 5 provided the burial follows the fune- 



182 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

ral. This formality becomes an unnecessary- 
usage when the burial is not immediate. These 
bearers are furnished with black kid gloves to 
wear at the funeral of a gentleman or an elderly 
lady, but white ones are usually worn when a 
young lady has departed. A scarf of black 
crape or of fine white linen, according to the 
occasion, is tied about the left arm or laid about 
the shoulders. These gentlemen sometimes carry 
the dead to and from the hearse, but oftener 
they only serve as a guard, and stand with lifted 
hats during the removal of the dead by persons 
who have been detailed for this duty. 

The family and intimate friends do not take 
leave of their beloved in the presence of the 
public, when a funeral service is held either at 
the house or in church. This suffering is en- 
dured in private before the arrival of those who 
are only acquaintances. The family are not 
visible at the time when formal religious rites 
are being held, but they are not beyond the 
hearing of the words of the clergyman. 

Sometimes a chosen friend, and sometimes a 
sexton, arranges the mournful programme that 



FUNERAL CUSTOMS, ETC. 183 

begins a funeral and terminates at the grave, 
thus sparing the wearied from unnecessary- 
anxiety. 

A widow wears the plainest of crape and 
bombazine costume, with a little cap border of 
white lissty or tarletan. During three months 
her long veil is worn to conceal her face. 
Afterward, she may wear a short black tulle veil, 
with her crape drapery thrown backward. This 
extreme expression of respect, or of mourning, 
must be worn a full year, and as much longer as 
the widow chooses. 

In France, the customary evidences of grief 
are fixed and permanent, as were our own fune- 
ral rites until very lately. This invariableness 
of costume during times of bereavement con- 
trasts sharply, and almost absurdly, with the 
usual Parisian caprices of dress. In New York 
widows seldom dress in gay colors, and not a 
few of them wear only black dresses as long as 
they live, or until they are again wedded. This 
constant costume is of silk, cashmere, etc., and 
lightened by laces, white tulle ruchings, and 
other softening bits of gauzy prettiness. 



184 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

For a father, mother, and for children, the 
deepest expression of sorrow that garments can 
produce is worn for one year at least ; and after- 
ward circumstances and individual convictions 
determine how soon black shall be lightened in 
quality until it ceases to be a mourning attire. 
For brothers and sisters, there are six months of 
crape and bombazine, six of cashmere, unlus- 
tred silks, and grenadines of plain texture ; and 
afterward black, white, and gray are considered 
appropriate tints of dress for another half year. 
The wearing for three months of colorless gar- 
ments is customary after the decease of grand- 
parents, aunts, and uncles, but crapes are not 
usually selected after the loss of these remoter 
kinspeople. 

Children wear mourning garments a year 
when they have lost a father, mother, brother, 
or sister ; but white and black are so combined 
in their costumes that the little ones are not too 
deeply saddened by their attire. 

Gentlemen's hats carry a depth of weed that 
is cut according to the nearness of the relative 
for whose loss it is worn, and, except in case of 



FUNERAL CUSTOMS, ETC. 185 

a widower, they continue to dress in mourning 
garments as long as it is the habit of their 
households, leaving the period of its use to be 
regulated entirely by the ladies. A widower 
should wear deep mourning, which includes 
gloves, necktie, and weed, with a costume of 
black or of very dark gray, for at least one year. 
Scrupulous and formal gentlemen wear black- 
bordered linen, and jet shirt-studs and buttons, 
but these persons are not numerous in New York. 
Satisfactory as it would be to announce that 
limitations or fixed periods, for the wearing of 
sombre robes after the loss of our kinspeople, 
had been decided upon by any social leaders, 
we have not yet reached that point. The quality 
of the fabrics which express the utmost sorrow 
has been the same for many a year, and it is 
recognized by every lady; but just how long it is 
to be worn is undetermined by our authorities 
in these matters. It is an unquestioned custom 
for all who attend a funeral to attire themselves 
in black garments if possible,' and certainly not 
in gay ones, as a mark of respect to the afflicted 
family. 



186 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. 

The length of time to be devoted to seclusion 
from society after a funeral is another unfixed 
limit. Indeed, in regard to funerals and their 
subsequent and consequent appointments, there 
is no rigid etiquette, and this chapter is written 
to explain the freedom rather than the formality 
of these things. Many people entertain consci- 
entious scruples which prevent the adoption of a 
mourning garb under any circumstances, and 
their convictions are respected. They insist that 
no set of sentiments should be expressed by 
material things. Hence our chaotic freedom in 
these matters. 

Neither visiting nor a general receiving of 
guests, formally, within a year after the loss of a 
near relative, is considered in good form, and 
usually two years are devoted to a more or less 
severe seclusion from general society. This re- 
tirement does not lessen the considerate atten- 
tions of friends. Cards are sent to express sym- 
pathy when a death occurs, but only an intimate 
friendship affords one permission to write a note 
of condolence. Long, torturing letters of sympa- 
thy are fortunately among our obsolete customs. 



FUNERAL CUSTOMS, ETC. 187 

Printed or engraved notes, or large cards, 
heavily bordered with black, sometimes, but 
very rarely, announce the decease of a member 
of the family. They usually furnish the place 
and date of birth, the residence and date of de- 
cease. Occasionally a brief account of the de- 
parted, with the place and time of funeral, is 
also included in this announcement, which is 
seldom sent to acquaintances until after the 
burial. This British custom has not as yet 
gained a foothold in New York. The daily 
press, of course, announces the death and date 
of funeral. 

It is proper to call at the door in person and 
make kindly inquiries for the household, also to 
leave visiting-cards with the left side or left 
lower corner folded over, as soon as a death in 
one's circle is published ; but it is not etiquette 
to ask to see the afflicted unless there exists a 
genuine intimacy between the visitor and the 
bereaved. 

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